Confidence saboteurs Tutorial

Struggling with self-confidence, especially around certain people? Explore how normalization and parental attitudes can sabotage your belief in yourself in our latest video, "Confidence Saboteurs." Uncover the hidden forces that pressure you to conform, and learn to embrace your uniqueness. Break free from these constraints and empower your assertiveness and courage!

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especially in the presence of certain people?

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Understanding the pitfalls,

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the black holes that suck up self-confidence on a daily basis,

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will help you to avoid getting sucked in.

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In this video,

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we will sift through the two attitudes

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that undermine self-confidence normalization and parental attitude.

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Let's start with normalization.

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We don't want to be alone,

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of course we don't.

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We like to feel that we are surrounded,

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supported,

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approved.

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Loneliness is considered a failure.

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He or she has failed to fit in.

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This need for belonging,

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for security through integration encourages us to normalize.

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I want to be normal

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in a blue world.

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Everyone wants to be blue,

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even if some push towards light blue,

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dark blue,

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or fluorescent blue,

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feeling free or rebellious.

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In a blue world,

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when you come across a yellow person,

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you don't understand them.

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You are suspicious of them.

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We push away what we are afraid of,

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what is too different.

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We don't trust what is too out of the norm.

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You have to fit in.

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Integration could be achieved by being open to difference.

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A bit like an ideal Canadian melting pot model.

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Unfortunately,

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we mostly ask people who are different

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to normalize themselves.

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Most parents push their children to take a

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science baccalaureate rather than an arts baccalaureate.

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Safety through standardization,

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integration through standardization.

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And we reproduce in the workplace

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this attitude of integration through standardization

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by asking employees to be standardized

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and monitoring them a lot to make sure they follow the standards,

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explicit or implicit standards.

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The implicit standard may be,

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for example,

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the way of dressing in the company

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or the haircut

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or the way of saying hello or communicating.

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The implicit norm of not expressing emotions in the workplace or not too much.

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I know an HR guy from Club Med who ended up in a bank.

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His boss wanted to change the habits through him,

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but internally he was blamed so much for his lack of normalization

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that he resigned.

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Overnormalization has two perverse effects.

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First,

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it cuts off all creativity and initiative in a blue normalized world.

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Initiative must remain blue even if it is a little green or purple.

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Taking the initiative in yellow is directly condemned.

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Then

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normalization partly cuts off self-confidence.

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All facets of me that are not blue

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are asked to become part of the blue population.

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So we make an effort to plane out the red or yellow shards.

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The word different is replaced by

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not normal.

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We no longer state I am different,

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trusting in our unique added value.

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We say I am not normal.

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And what are the words that follow?

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I am not normal.

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I have a problem.

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I am not normal,

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or rather this aspect of me is not normalized,

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so I have a problem.

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How can we have confidence in ourselves

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when we are under pressure from the environment and from self

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so that we normalize ourselves?

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Do you want to be an actor?

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Go to business school first,

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and we'll talk about it later.

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But

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will the dream still be alive in a few years?

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Will the confidence be strong enough to reopen the buried dream?

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Mass consciousness is a consciousness of normalization.

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It tells us what we should be,

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how we should react,

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what we should do and think

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to be normal,

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because what is not normal,

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normalized is dangerous,

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dangerous for others and supposedly dangerous for oneself.

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If one is not normal,

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if one refuses to fit into the mold,

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one risks failure,

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isolation,

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or even imprisonment.

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How can you fit in if you're not normalized?

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Is it possible?

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It is a major challenge for our society to reconcile difference,

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uniqueness,

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and integration.

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Let no one

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under the pretext that they are different,

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feel rejected.

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Let no one belittle their differences.

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Let no one stifle their unique talents for fear of being rejected.

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Because they believe that their difference and their diverted

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path will be the sign of their failure,

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the value of diversity

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is highly prized by companies today.

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The company is in fact a melting pot between social origins,

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cultures,

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religions,

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countries,

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ages,

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personalities,

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levels of education.

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The best way is to gather all the

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employees through common values and a shared mission.

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This will be the glue that holds the integration together.

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Then

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on these solid shared foundations,

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let's allow everyone to express all their differences,

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to bring their outstanding creativity,

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to take initiatives in an open and trusting manner.

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We have seen how standardization can undermine confidence in one's self,

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in one's uniqueness.

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Let us now see

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how the parental at.

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of others towards oneself also has perverse effects on one's self-confidence.

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Every time you address the other person as if they were a child,

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you sabotage their self-confidence.

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Here are three basic beliefs of parenting.

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You don't know.

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You're going to hurt yourself,

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and you need me.

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Belief one,

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you don't know,

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meaning in fact I know better than you what you should do,

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what you should think,

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how you should behave.

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You should go to medical school.

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You should apply for this job.

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You shouldn't take this risk.

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The I know better than you what's good for you syndrome is common in most humans.

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The problem is when you give too much

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credit to the other person's parent uncertainties.

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Yes,

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Mum and dad often know better

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than their young child what is good for him or her,

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but after adulthood,

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it's time for the parent to give up this all powerful attitude,

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and it's time for the young adult to trust oneself,

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even if it means making mistakes.

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No one knows better than you

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what is good for you.

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What is best for you is what you choose,

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even if it leads you through failure.

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Because what is best for you

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is that you become an adult and take responsibility for your choices.

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It is the greatest gift a parent could give to his or her child free will,

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but often the parent doesn't want to resign their I know better

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than you because there is a second belief that reinforces it.

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Belief too,

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you're going to get hurt.

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If I say this,

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it's for your own good.

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I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.

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Protective parenting is going to add up to domineering parenting.

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I'm worried about you,

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even though there seems to be a good intention behind that common sentence.

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There's a lot more.

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I worry about you is not love.

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It's a lack of trust.

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I'm worried because I don't believe you're going to make it.

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I'm worried because I believe that if you go through this failure,

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you won't get over it.

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Stay in my bosom,

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child.

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Follow my careful advice.

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If you have to deal with people who use this argument trying

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to force you to do something or not to do something,

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you can say,

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if you trusted me,

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you wouldn't worry about me.

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These people are worried,

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period.

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Allow them to express their concerns to you,

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adult to adult.

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But don't play that scene with them.

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Don't endorse the role of the fragile child they think you are

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when they endorse the role of protective parent.

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Be clear,

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I am OK.

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I trust in myself.

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Your worries belong to you.

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Clarity will despair forced parent child gains.

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In an adult to adult relationship,

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you'll gain self-confidence.

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Parental belief number 3,

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you need me.

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In the short term,

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during the learning period,

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1 may need the other.

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It's OK.

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In the co-construction of a project,

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each member needs the other members of the team.

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It's OK.

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I denounce here the permanent parental

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attitude of people who feel indispensable to

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others and who infantilize those they want to keep under their control.

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The parent then creates dependency.

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It doesn't really allow the other person to grow and learn from their experience,

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success or failure.

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Can you tell Dave,

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who believes you need him and tries to control you,

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Everything is OK,

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Dave.

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As for now,

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I don't need your advice and your help.

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I'll get back to you if I need some.

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Thanks.

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Other examples Bob,

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a colleague that keeps some of the information to himself

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so that he is always needed.

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Or a manager or expert who always finds something to criticize in

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the work of others so that they can showcase their unique talents.

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The others seem to need Bob,

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but it's mostly Bob who needs them

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and who has to keep them dependent on him to keep his identity at the top.

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Bob needs to feel useful.

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Bob needs to be needed.

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Can you look at this fragility he has with kindness and trust in you

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without letting him control you,

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or is it better to avoid Bob

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as a reminder,

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here are two attitudes that work

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against self-confidence and can inhibit initiative,

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normalization and the parental attitude.

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I urge you to take a step back whenever someone

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invites you to dance one of these two power games.

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