The 4 traps of communication Tutorial

Have you ever felt misunderstood? In "The 4 Traps of Communication," Thomas Ansenberg uncovers the key pitfalls that hinder our interactions: judgments, beliefs, binary thinking, and disempowering language. Discover how to break free from these traps, foster assertive and courageous communication, and truly connect with others. Don't miss this insightful guide to improving your conversations!

10:22
3 views

Selected for you
New

Available in SoftSkills

00:00:06

Do you sometimes not understand the person you are talking to?

00:00:10

Thomas Ansenberg,

00:00:12

pioneer of nonviolent communication,

00:00:15

distinguishes four traps in our way of communicating.

00:00:19

Judgments,

00:00:20

beliefs,

00:00:21

binary thinking,

00:00:22

and disempowering language.

00:00:25

What is the first communication trap?

00:00:27

It is judgment.

00:00:29

My colleague is incompetent,

00:00:31

my boss is always absent.

00:00:33

It is very complicated to work with the younger generations.

00:00:38

I was not well received.

00:00:39

Executive Management Committee.

00:00:42

Customs are too demanding.

00:00:44

As humans we are and always will be judgmental.

00:00:49

Our mind loves to classify beings and situations in boxes of good,

00:00:55

bad,

00:00:56

true,

00:00:56

false.

00:00:57

Let us learn how to question our judgments to avoid generalizations,

00:01:03

these always or never type of exaggerations that lead to conflict.

00:01:08

Let us learn how to leave opinions and focus on facts.

00:01:14

My colleague is incompetent.

00:01:16

What are you talking about exactly?

00:01:18

What do you blame him for?

00:01:21

Our customers are too demanding.

00:01:23

What requirement are you talking about?

00:01:26

Let us also learn

00:01:28

that judgment tells us about our needs.

00:01:32

If I am dissatisfied,

00:01:34

it is because I have an unfulfilled need.

00:01:37

Can I express it?

00:01:39

Marshall Rosenberg,

00:01:41

the founder of nonviolent communication,

00:01:44

said

00:01:45

Judgments made on others are expressions of our own unfulfilled needs.

00:01:51

If I say

00:01:52

it's very complicated to work with the younger generations,

00:01:56

what is my need when I make this judgment?

00:02:00

For example,

00:02:01

I need to understand

00:02:03

what are the motivation levers of the youngest to move forward on projects.

00:02:09

If I say my boss is always absent,

00:02:12

what is my need when I make this judgment?

00:02:15

Having a one hour one on one talk with him every

00:02:18

week and having him call me back whenever there's an emergency

00:02:22

staying locked in judgment prevents us from finding

00:02:27

solutions to what does not satisfy us.

00:02:30

Judgment is a call to conflict when it begins with a you.

00:02:34

You are incompetent.

00:02:36

You're of bad beliefs.

00:02:38

You are disorganized.

00:02:40

You are disrespectful.

00:02:41

You are too slow.

00:02:43

Better to describe facts and talk about yourself.

00:02:48

What I understand,

00:02:50

what I feel,

00:02:51

what I need is.

00:02:54

Talk about yourself and your needs rather than getting into the you are accusation.

00:03:00

What often makes our communications with others so difficult?

00:03:05

One of the dreaded traps in our communication is our belief system.

00:03:10

We then confuse reality

00:03:13

with our representation,

00:03:15

our beliefs of reality.

00:03:18

There is a reality,

00:03:19

and we represent it to ourselves

00:03:22

as if we draw a map of a village,

00:03:24

and we believe that the map we have drawn

00:03:28

is the real reality of the real village.

00:03:31

We believe our map is the village.

00:03:35

No.

00:03:36

Our beliefs are not reality but a personal representation of the reality.

00:03:42

If we have beliefs like I am competent,

00:03:46

it is possible to find satisfaction in jobs.

00:03:49

Many colleagues are trustworthy.

00:03:51

Dissatisfied customers deserve to be listened to.

00:03:55

These beliefs called helping or empowering

00:03:58

beliefs will generate positive behavior.

00:04:02

If we believe work is a prison,

00:04:05

I must always obey my boss.

00:04:08

I don't know how to speak in public.

00:04:10

These so-called limiting beliefs will generate

00:04:14

behaviors that come with greater dissatisfaction.

00:04:17

It is said in coaching

00:04:19

that beliefs are often self-fulfilling.

00:04:22

By dint of believing that your boss Rebecca does not like you,

00:04:26

you will end up in conflict with her.

00:04:29

You will say

00:04:30

that you felt the tension when it was you who created it.

00:04:34

You made it grow by nurturing this limiting belief.

00:04:38

It's no longer I believe what I see,

00:04:42

it is I see what I believe.

00:04:45

One of my coaches,

00:04:46

thought her boss Mark was putting a strain on her because she was a woman.

00:04:50

One of her colleagues did not experience this kind of difficulty.

00:04:55

Why her?

00:04:56

It turns out that she had received from her mother

00:05:00

the belief that men were obstacles to women's professional achievement,

00:05:05

a self-fulfilling belief.

00:05:08

Our beliefs have a huge effect on our daily reality.

00:05:12

It's up to us to cultivate helping and empowering beliefs,

00:05:17

not limiting beliefs.

00:05:19

This will leave a positive impact on our communications.

00:05:24

MacGregor in the 60s,

00:05:26

a professor of management and doctor of psychology,

00:05:29

published a report on the theory X and Y.

00:05:33

Theory X

00:05:35

states that an employee is inherently lazy.

00:05:38

On the strength of this belief,

00:05:40

management believes that it must coerce,

00:05:43

control,

00:05:44

threaten,

00:05:44

sanction the employee.

00:05:46

So that the employee

00:05:48

makes the necessary effort to achieve his objectives.

00:05:52

The employee is kept in a system

00:05:55

in which they are afraid to take responsibility.

00:05:58

They do not show initiative.

00:06:00

They do the bare minimum.

00:06:02

Management then reinforces its belief that employees are inherently lazy,

00:06:07

a self-fulfilling belief.

00:06:09

MacGregor opposes theory X to theory Y.

00:06:14

Theory Y

00:06:15

states that the employee enjoys working.

00:06:18

Building on this belief,

00:06:19

the role of management will be to encourage.

00:06:22

to develop their potential

00:06:25

to allow them to create with freedom of action and self-control.

00:06:29

The employee then naturally takes on responsibilities and initiatives.

00:06:34

Management then reinforces its belief that the employee enjoys working,

00:06:39

self-fulfilling belief.

00:06:42

What makes it so difficult to communicate with those around us?

00:06:46

An avoidable trap in our communication is binary thinking good,

00:06:52

bad,

00:06:53

black,

00:06:53

white,

00:06:54

right,

00:06:55

wrong.

00:06:56

This is the thought either or.

00:07:00

Either I am generous or I am selfish.

00:07:03

Either my job is well done or it is badly done.

00:07:07

Either I can trust him or I can't trust him.

00:07:10

It is a black,

00:07:11

white,

00:07:12

childish way of thinking

00:07:14

that opposes,

00:07:15

simplifies,

00:07:16

excludes.

00:07:17

There are good guys and there are bad guys.

00:07:20

We can't be both.

00:07:22

In communication,

00:07:23

the paroxysm of binary thinking is thinking,

00:07:26

if I am right,

00:07:28

you must be wrong.

00:07:30

In binary thought,

00:07:31

two different thoughts cannot coexist.

00:07:34

Either you are on my side or you are against me.

00:07:38

Either I favor my career or I favor my family.

00:07:42

Either I earn my living with this job that I don't like,

00:07:45

or I do what I love,

00:07:47

but I won't have any more money.

00:07:48

Either I obey my boss or I'm fired.

00:07:52

There are either or beliefs.

00:07:54

There are also if then beliefs.

00:07:58

If

00:07:59

I have to report to my manager,

00:08:01

it is because I am not autonomous.

00:08:04

If I reimburse an unsatisfied customer,

00:08:07

then I will have been fooled.

00:08:08

To get out of this communication trap of binary thinking,

00:08:13

Dansenborg invites us to enter into complementary thinking,

00:08:17

the and and.

00:08:19

It is a thought that opens up perspectives,

00:08:22

latitudes,

00:08:23

choices and options.

00:08:26

Did you say Bob is selfish?

00:08:28

Maybe he doesn't participate financially in the office collections,

00:08:32

but he is very generous at the time he gives or in the advice he gives.

00:08:36

Another example of binary thinking,

00:08:39

though yes,

00:08:39

but

00:08:40

try reply.

00:08:41

yes but with yes and

00:08:44

and see how this changes your communication with others.

00:08:48

How this opens up prospectus for you

00:08:51

and your conversational partner.

00:08:53

Do you know what disempowering language is?

00:08:57

This is one of the pitfalls of communicating with our fellow human beings.

00:09:02

Instead of saying I choose,

00:09:05

we say I must,

00:09:07

it should,

00:09:07

it is so.

00:09:09

We've always done it like that.

00:09:11

We don't have the choice for communication to remain fluid.

00:09:15

It is necessary to question these certainties,

00:09:19

duties,

00:09:19

and principles.

00:09:21

I have to finish this job tomorrow.

00:09:23

What would happen if you didn't finish it?

00:09:26

We need to be faster in processing files.

00:09:29

What risk are we taking by stepping up the pace?

00:09:32

I have to control everything my team does.

00:09:35

Really?

00:09:36

If you can replace all that I must and I should

00:09:41

with I choose,

00:09:42

your language will become more responsible.

00:09:45

If you can replace all the you must and you have to

00:09:49

by I ask you to or I would like you to.

00:09:53

You will replace the slave communication with an adult to adult communication.

00:10:00

As a reminder,

00:10:01

here are 4 traps in our way of communicating

00:10:04

our judgments,

00:10:06

our beliefs,

00:10:07

binary thinking,

00:10:08

and disempowering language.

00:10:10

Being aware of this with kindness will help us not to let ourselves be

00:10:15

manipulated by these traps and not drag our colleagues into our own dead ends.

Mandarine AI: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW