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Do you sometimes not understand the person you are talking to?
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Thomas Ansenberg,
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pioneer of nonviolent communication,
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distinguishes four traps in our way of communicating.
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binary thinking,
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and disempowering language.
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What is the first communication trap?
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My colleague is incompetent,
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my boss is always absent.
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It is very complicated to work with the younger generations.
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I was not well received.
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Executive Management Committee.
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Customs are too demanding.
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As humans we are and always will be judgmental.
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Our mind loves to classify beings and situations in boxes of good,
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Let us learn how to question our judgments to avoid generalizations,
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these always or never type of exaggerations that lead to conflict.
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Let us learn how to leave opinions and focus on facts.
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My colleague is incompetent.
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What are you talking about exactly?
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What do you blame him for?
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Our customers are too demanding.
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What requirement are you talking about?
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Let us also learn
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that judgment tells us about our needs.
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If I am dissatisfied,
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it is because I have an unfulfilled need.
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Can I express it?
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Marshall Rosenberg,
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the founder of nonviolent communication,
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Judgments made on others are expressions of our own unfulfilled needs.
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it's very complicated to work with the younger generations,
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what is my need when I make this judgment?
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I need to understand
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what are the motivation levers of the youngest to move forward on projects.
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If I say my boss is always absent,
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what is my need when I make this judgment?
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Having a one hour one on one talk with him every
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week and having him call me back whenever there's an emergency
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staying locked in judgment prevents us from finding
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solutions to what does not satisfy us.
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Judgment is a call to conflict when it begins with a you.
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You are incompetent.
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You're of bad beliefs.
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You are disorganized.
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You are disrespectful.
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You are too slow.
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Better to describe facts and talk about yourself.
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What I understand,
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Talk about yourself and your needs rather than getting into the you are accusation.
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What often makes our communications with others so difficult?
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One of the dreaded traps in our communication is our belief system.
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We then confuse reality
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with our representation,
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our beliefs of reality.
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There is a reality,
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and we represent it to ourselves
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as if we draw a map of a village,
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and we believe that the map we have drawn
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is the real reality of the real village.
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We believe our map is the village.
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Our beliefs are not reality but a personal representation of the reality.
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If we have beliefs like I am competent,
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it is possible to find satisfaction in jobs.
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Many colleagues are trustworthy.
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Dissatisfied customers deserve to be listened to.
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These beliefs called helping or empowering
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beliefs will generate positive behavior.
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If we believe work is a prison,
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I must always obey my boss.
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I don't know how to speak in public.
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These so-called limiting beliefs will generate
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behaviors that come with greater dissatisfaction.
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It is said in coaching
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that beliefs are often self-fulfilling.
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By dint of believing that your boss Rebecca does not like you,
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you will end up in conflict with her.
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that you felt the tension when it was you who created it.
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You made it grow by nurturing this limiting belief.
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It's no longer I believe what I see,
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it is I see what I believe.
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One of my coaches,
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thought her boss Mark was putting a strain on her because she was a woman.
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One of her colleagues did not experience this kind of difficulty.
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It turns out that she had received from her mother
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the belief that men were obstacles to women's professional achievement,
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a self-fulfilling belief.
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Our beliefs have a huge effect on our daily reality.
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It's up to us to cultivate helping and empowering beliefs,
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not limiting beliefs.
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This will leave a positive impact on our communications.
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MacGregor in the 60s,
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a professor of management and doctor of psychology,
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published a report on the theory X and Y.
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states that an employee is inherently lazy.
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On the strength of this belief,
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management believes that it must coerce,
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sanction the employee.
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So that the employee
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makes the necessary effort to achieve his objectives.
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The employee is kept in a system
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in which they are afraid to take responsibility.
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They do not show initiative.
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They do the bare minimum.
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Management then reinforces its belief that employees are inherently lazy,
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a self-fulfilling belief.
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MacGregor opposes theory X to theory Y.
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states that the employee enjoys working.
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Building on this belief,
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the role of management will be to encourage.
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to develop their potential
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to allow them to create with freedom of action and self-control.
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The employee then naturally takes on responsibilities and initiatives.
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Management then reinforces its belief that the employee enjoys working,
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self-fulfilling belief.
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What makes it so difficult to communicate with those around us?
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An avoidable trap in our communication is binary thinking good,
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This is the thought either or.
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Either I am generous or I am selfish.
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Either my job is well done or it is badly done.
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Either I can trust him or I can't trust him.
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childish way of thinking
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There are good guys and there are bad guys.
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We can't be both.
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In communication,
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the paroxysm of binary thinking is thinking,
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you must be wrong.
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In binary thought,
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two different thoughts cannot coexist.
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Either you are on my side or you are against me.
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Either I favor my career or I favor my family.
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Either I earn my living with this job that I don't like,
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or I do what I love,
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but I won't have any more money.
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Either I obey my boss or I'm fired.
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There are either or beliefs.
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There are also if then beliefs.
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I have to report to my manager,
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it is because I am not autonomous.
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If I reimburse an unsatisfied customer,
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then I will have been fooled.
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To get out of this communication trap of binary thinking,
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Dansenborg invites us to enter into complementary thinking,
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It is a thought that opens up perspectives,
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choices and options.
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Did you say Bob is selfish?
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Maybe he doesn't participate financially in the office collections,
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but he is very generous at the time he gives or in the advice he gives.
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Another example of binary thinking,
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yes but with yes and
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and see how this changes your communication with others.
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How this opens up prospectus for you
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and your conversational partner.
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Do you know what disempowering language is?
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This is one of the pitfalls of communicating with our fellow human beings.
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Instead of saying I choose,
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We've always done it like that.
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We don't have the choice for communication to remain fluid.
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It is necessary to question these certainties,
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I have to finish this job tomorrow.
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What would happen if you didn't finish it?
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We need to be faster in processing files.
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What risk are we taking by stepping up the pace?
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I have to control everything my team does.
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If you can replace all that I must and I should
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your language will become more responsible.
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If you can replace all the you must and you have to
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by I ask you to or I would like you to.
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You will replace the slave communication with an adult to adult communication.
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here are 4 traps in our way of communicating
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binary thinking,
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and disempowering language.
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Being aware of this with kindness will help us not to let ourselves be
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manipulated by these traps and not drag our colleagues into our own dead ends.
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