Getting out of relational games Tutorial

Dive into the intriguing world of relational dynamics with 'Getting Out of Relational Games.' Explore the complex roles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor and learn how to break free from the drama triangle that clouds communication and breeds conflict. Discover valuable strategies to assert yourself and cultivate meaningful relationships. Don't just play the game—change it!

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Relationship difficult difficulties and conflict

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often take on the form of a several act tragedy

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in which we play different scenes,

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arguing,

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fleeing,

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complaining,

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accusing,

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arm wrestling,

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or looking for support.

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Are we victims,

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rescuers,

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or persecutors?

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In these relational games that exhaust us,

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do we move from one role to another without even realizing it?

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In this video I will describe with examples these three roles of victim,

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rescuer,

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and persecutor.

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Then we will see how to get out of the Karpman's triangle

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called also

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drama triangle,

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which clouds our communications and heads towards conflict.

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Sometimes rescuer,

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sometimes persecutor,

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sometimes victim,

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we alternate the roles,

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even if we have a preferred role.

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As soon as a person enters one of these roles,

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they invite the others to enter the drama triangle.

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Imagine a dialogue.

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Hey,

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Patricia,

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it's about time you took care of client Du Pont because

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he's still waiting and we're gonna end up losing the project.

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When Anna walks into Patricia's office,

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she talks like a persecutor.

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Hey,

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Patricia,

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she positions herself and the team as a victim.

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We're going to end up losing the contract.

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And she invites her to take on the role of rescuer.

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It's about time you took care of.

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Here's another example of psychological games.

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This example illustrates the notion of role reversal.

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The manager,

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Mary.

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Rescuer talking to her employee.

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Here's the new printer I bought for you.

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This will save you from having to go up a floor every time.

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Employee Jeff,

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persecutor,

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angry at his boss,

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but I asked for a color printer for my client files.

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The manager,

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Mary,

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victim of the employee.

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Obviously whatever you get,

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you always find something wrong with it.

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The line manager,

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Frank,

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Mary's rescuer and employee's persecutor,

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how dare you talk to your manager like that?

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You should be grateful that she has devoted a

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part of the department's budget to your needs.

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The employee Jeff,

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victim,

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then persecutor,

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sulking in his office.

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They demand from me to satisfy 100% of the client while

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not even bothering to provide me with the right equipment.

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The manager Mary,

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rescuer of the employee coming to his office.

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Jeff,

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I'm going to connect your computer to my printer for color printing.

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Don't tell Frank.

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You shouldn't get so upset about a printer.

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The manager Mary,

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line manager's persecutor,

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Frank,

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you were too hard on Jeff.

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He won't dare to talk to you from now on.

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The line manager,

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Frank,

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victim of Mary.

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I was trying to support you

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and you turn against me.

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Now let's look at each role in detail.

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Do you play the role of victim?

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The victim is a person who complains,

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suffers,

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and feels sorry for themselves.

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The victims think it's an injustice.

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It's unfair.

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Whether they are rebellious or submissive.

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They believe that the fault lies with the others,

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the hierarchy,

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the lack of time,

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transport,

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the changes,

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the lack of clarity,

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the others.

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They may even blame their own lack of self-confidence.

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It's not my fault if I don't dare to speak in public.

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I lack self-confidence.

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A victim can be recognized by their posture,

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their complaining,

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and the use of universal quantifiers such as

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always,

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never,

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no one,

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everyone all the time.

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I'll never make it.

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Cynthia's always criticizing me.

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Why do they choose the role of the victim in the relationship?

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Even if their position is uncomfortable,

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they take on the role of the victim

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so they can have an issue to express.

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Having an issue to express is a way of life.

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Being a victim allows them to avoid

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feeling responsible and to avoid taking responsibility.

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This way they will get compassion and people will take

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care of them or handle what is weighing on them.

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To play this role,

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the victim attracts in their infernal round two other actors,

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the persecutor and the rescuer.

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First,

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the rescuer will do their best to help the victim,

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listen to them,

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advise them,

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console them.

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Protect them,

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do for them what they do,

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not dare to do.

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But the rescuer will eventually get tired

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of having given everything in vain to the victim

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who lacks recognition,

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enjoys this dependency,

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and continues to complain.

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Victims are exhausting.

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The persecutor will be tempted to shake up the person who

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passively complains or retreats out of so-called lack of self-confidence.

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The persecutor will become increasingly annoyed

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and eventually aggressive with the victim,

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especially if the victim publicly accuses the persecutor

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of making them look like a bad guy.

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You know what John did again?

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He

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What about you?

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Do you ever complain,

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feel sorry for yourself,

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or see yourself as the victim of an environment or people you're subjected to?

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Do you often consider that there are things you

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cannot say or do because you lack self-confidence?

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Let us now define the attitude of the persecutor.

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The persecutor is a person who devalues,

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who criticizes,

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who is sarcastic.

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Why do they do this?

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Being a persecutor allows them to absolve themselves of responsibility.

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They see themselves as someone who's straight.

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It's the others who are responsible,

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AKA guilty.

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They can use others as a vent to absorb their overwhelming anger.

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This is their own way of feeling strong and empowered

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because they don't actually have much self-esteem.

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Their temperament is often unpredictable and depends on their struggle,

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often unconscious,

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which they project onto the victim.

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How about you?

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What do you do with your anger and dissatisfaction?

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Do you sometimes enter the infernal triangle of

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conflict by becoming the one who devalues,

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criticizes,

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demeans,

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or the one that keeps information at the expense of others?

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Have your complaints taken the form of accusations so bitter

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that you have shifted from the role of victim to that of persecutor?

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Let's move on to the last role in this relationship game.

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Do you sometimes take on the role of rescuer as well?

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The rescuer can't help but assist and intervene,

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even if they're not asked.

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They think they're a good person.

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Why do they act this way?

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Being a rescuer allows them to make themselves indispensable

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and thus to make other dependent on them.

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I help you,

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so you need me.

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I help you,

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so I am.

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They act unconsciously to make themselves feel loved.

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And to avoid rejection and confrontation,

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an obvious lack of self-esteem,

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they are dependent on the esteem of others

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because they have very little esteem for themselves.

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They think they have no choice but to be that kind,

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caring person,

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the one who always says yes to every request.

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They need a victim or a persecutor to help and support in order to exist.

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It is important to know

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that the victim or persecutor can turn against

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the rescuer if favor does not satisfy them.

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In return,

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if the rescuer does not get the recognition they expect,

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then they will take on

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either the role of victim after all I have done for you,

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or they will take on the role of persecutor turning bitterly

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against the victim for whom they had sacrificed so much.

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And what about you?

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Are you one of those people who bend over backwards for others who don't dare

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to assert yourself even if you are overwhelmed

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or disappointed by their lack of recognition?

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Now that we are aware of these three roles,

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let's ask ourselves the question

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How do we get out of the game of the drama triangle?

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First tip,

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spot the game as soon as it appears.

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Do you have problems communicating with someone?

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Are you in conflict?

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Observe the roles with which you enter the dance.

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Be aware of the bait the other person is holding out for you.

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Which role do they take on and which role do they urge you to take?

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If they tell you you're always sulking,

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people really need to be in high spirits to work with you.

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They position themselves as a persecutor

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and want you to be their rescuer,

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the one who changes moods and smiles for them.

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If they tell you I've completely screwed up on this one,

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I'm never going to make it.

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You're going to be so mad at me.

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They position themselves as a victim

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and assume that you're going to be their persecutor by being mad at them.

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Preventing the game from getting out of hand

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not only means not taking the role the other person expects you to play,

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but also not taking on

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another role of the triangle for the sake of reaction.

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To the one who told you,

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you're making one of those faces,

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people really need to be in a good mood to work with you.

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Don't reply as a rescuer and don't reply as a victim either.

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And you think it's easy for me to work with you?

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To whoever told you,

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I totally screwed up on this one,

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I could never do it.

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You're going to yell at me again.

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Don't answer as a persecutor,

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but don't answer as a rescuer either.

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No,

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I'm not going to yell at you.

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I'm going to take care of it myself without telling the boss.

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So

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be aware of the invitation to dance

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to avoid taking any role in the drama triangle.

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Tip 2.

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Clarify,

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bring clarity through questioning.

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When faced with a persecutor who criticizes or ironizes,

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ask them calmly,

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What do you want?

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What are you looking for by acting like this?

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Describe the facts,

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then express your need and your feelings if necessary.

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When faced with a rescuer ask

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how and why do you wish to help me.

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Thank them and tell them concretely if you need help,

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and with what?

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And

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don't abuse their kindness.

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When faced with a victim,

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ask them,

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what do you want from me?

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And decide what you think you can do and what

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you decide you want to do without forgetting yourself.

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Third tip,

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be clear about your own role in the conflict.

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If you play the persecutor and devalue,

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criticize,

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and ironize,

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if you feel full of resentment,

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you've undoubtedly reached a high stress level.

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I advise you to calmly say

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what you don't like and what you want,

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and I invite you to listen to the other person a lot

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and try to understand them.

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If you play the victim,

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learn to clarify the need behind your complaint.

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Be clear about what you need.

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Ask as an adult for support from the right people.

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Above all,

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learn how to help yourself.

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What are you willing to do on your own to make yourself feel good?

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Stop enduring passively,

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trust yourself and act.

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If you pay the rescuer,

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focus on yourself and on your needs.

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Were you really asked for help?

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Do you have the skills?

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Is this your role?

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If necessary,

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advise dependent people to go to the right people,

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superiors,

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HR,

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staff representatives,

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psychologists

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instead of taking care of them.

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Choose to set boundaries and say no,

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opt for a win-win relationship.

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We all spend a lot of time playing these relationship games.

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Persecutor,

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rescuer,

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victim,

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no role in the triangle is better or easier.

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Let us be compassionate for ourselves

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and our interlocutors who are trapped in this tragedy.

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Let's be the first to get out of the dance.

Mandarine AI: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW