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a problem that we call the source of the conflict
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and the inflation of this problem.
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refusing to speak,
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being cynical will intensify and ignite a conflict
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that initially could have been totally minor.
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To resolve a conflict,
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it is essential to separate the source of a conflict from its inflation.
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Each of these two elements must be and will be resolved in a different way.
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Conflict avoidance is a form of conflict inflation.
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The conflict is inflated
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because we let it slowly consume us without intervening.
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Inspired by Jean Potard's research on the subject.
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We will see the factors of conflict avoidance and how to diffuse them.
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let's keep in mind that avoidance makes the initial problem worse.
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Things stagnate and worsen
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through refusal and fear of conflict.
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The spark spreads along an electric wire until it meets gas and
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It blows up into an external conflict or
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implodes inside you into internal conflict
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in avoidance under the disguise of force wisdom,
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one refuses to talk about the problem
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out of fear of the consequences,
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fear that the problem will get worse.
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We postpone dealing with it as we postpone
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confronting our fears until they explode or implode.
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There are 4 main avoidance factors denial,
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and the belief that things will sort themselves out.
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Denial is a defense mechanism.
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The person excludes the problem from their consciousness.
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For them there is no problem.
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They may go far as to say,
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I don't have a problem.
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You have a problem.
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By excluding the problem,
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they solve it by omission and continue to live as if nothing had happened.
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At least they pretend to live as if nothing had happened.
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How do you get out of this type of avoidance?
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At the first level,
00:02:21
it is necessary to present all the facts that prove
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the presence of a problem and the consequences on them
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They often remain in denial in order to preserve themselves from the image of
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I have no problem.
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It is necessary,
00:02:39
without offending their ego,
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to show them that others have seen the problem
00:02:44
and that they consider they're co-responsible for its resolution.
00:02:49
it will be necessary to help them
00:02:51
express the emotions that this situation triggers for them
00:02:55
to be aware of the tension or anxiety that they tried to hide
00:02:59
from others and sometimes even from themselves,
00:03:03
daring to recognize what has changed in them.
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Most of the time,
00:03:08
denying the problem is accompanied by an emotional denial.
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noticeable to those around them,
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whether it manifests through emotions or psychosomatic symptoms,
00:03:23
stomach problems.
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Helping the person see these emotional and physical
00:03:28
symptoms will help them get out of denial.
00:03:32
a third party will have to be involved to
00:03:35
find a solution that is suitable for both parties,
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even if the person in denial is still certain that everything's fine.
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Second avoidance factor inhibition or lack of skill.
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The person does not know how to handle the dispute.
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They do not know what to say or what to do,
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and so they prefer to keep quiet and avoid raising the issue.
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The person has not learnt how to deal with conflicts as a child.
00:04:04
In their family,
00:04:05
people probably acted as if nothing had happened
00:04:08
and took it upon themselves.
00:04:10
These are often people who did not develop
00:04:13
the emotional intelligence that will grant them the ability to understand.
00:04:17
How they and others feel and to put those feelings into words.
00:04:23
They did not learn how to express their needs.
00:04:26
They don't know how to meet these needs through cooperation with the other person.
00:04:32
If you encourage them to reach out to the other person to deal with the conflict,
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but what do you want me to say?
00:04:40
That's the way it is.
00:04:42
Often introverted,
00:04:44
they don't see speaking as a solution
00:04:46
and don't feel comfortable expressing themselves.
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How do you get out of this type of avoidance?
00:04:53
you will need to show these people the impact
00:04:56
of their avoidance on themselves and on their entourage
00:05:00
and the risks of deterioration by remaining silent.
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it's important to be present
00:05:08
in order to encourage expression.
00:05:11
Give the necessary protection to those who are most inhibited,
00:05:16
who struggle most to express their feelings,
00:05:19
and their solutions.
00:05:21
Ask open questions so they can open up little by little.
00:05:27
Avoid getting out of line,
00:05:31
Avoid taking the side of the person who has difficulties to express themselves
00:05:35
so as not to block the other side.
00:05:39
you may need to separate the parties beforehand
00:05:43
so that the inhibited person really dares to open up.
00:05:47
The third factor of avoidance is the fear of losing,
00:05:51
otherwise known as relational anxiety.
00:05:56
the person prefers to avoid talking
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because they are afraid of being fooled and
00:06:00
are afraid of the other person's reaction.
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They have already made a worst case scenario in their
00:06:07
head in which the discussion leads to the worst.
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They think I'd rather keep quiet so not as to make things worse.
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I want to avoid the clash.
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it will backfire against me.
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it will be worse for them.
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I will hurt their feelings.
00:06:25
The person rejects discussion
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and at best the situation stagnates.
00:06:32
it ends up exploding
00:06:34
because no common solution was found.
00:06:36
How to get out of this type of avoidance?
00:06:41
you need to help those anxious people prepare a negotiation plan
00:06:46
with which they are comfortable.
00:06:48
Make them understand that the best case scenario for everyone is to
00:06:52
be able to express and hear the needs and solutions of both parties
00:06:57
as long as the person is afraid of losing.
00:07:00
It is necessary to help them define
00:07:03
what's really important
00:07:05
and non-negotiable for them.
00:07:08
What is their target?
00:07:09
What are their priorities?
00:07:12
What are the scenarios,
00:07:13
the conflict resolution options that are acceptable
00:07:16
and the ones that aren't?
00:07:20
they will have to think beforehand
00:07:22
about the options that the other person may suggest
00:07:25
and prepare answers to these options.
00:07:29
In this negotiation work prior to the meeting,
00:07:33
these people will be able to practice expressing their demands verbally
00:07:38
until they feel ready to say them properly
00:07:41
in a way that is both respectful to them
00:07:44
and to the other.
00:07:47
If the person is still in this relationship anxiety
00:07:51
and fear of losing in a discussion with the other person,
00:07:54
a third party will be needed to facilitate the discussion
00:07:59
and to protect the parties from dominating one another.
00:08:03
Someone to guarantee mutual respect.
00:08:06
The anxious person should be able to speak calmly without fear of repercussions,
00:08:12
so they could keep in mind
00:08:14
what is important and non-negotiable for them,
00:08:19
not to let relationship anxiety take over
00:08:22
and to not accept the unacceptable.
00:08:25
The fourth factor of avoidance is the belief that things will work themselves out.
00:08:31
It is extremely rare that things will work themselves out,
00:08:35
even though we would all like to believe they will.
00:08:38
It really has to be a small incident with no reason for it to reoccur in the future.
00:08:45
We want to believe that time will erase the problem.
00:08:49
on the contrary,
00:08:50
tends to bring us similar incidents that get more and
00:08:54
more amplified until we take the bull by the horns.
00:08:58
Your employee comes late.
00:09:00
You don't say anything,
00:09:02
hoping that they will eventually understand.
00:09:04
I'm not so sure.
00:09:06
We believe that the other person with whom we are in
00:09:09
conflict will eventually understand will become more reasonable over time.
00:09:15
As long as we refuse to talk,
00:09:17
reason is unlikely to find its way out of the conflict.
00:09:21
We believe that the wound in us
00:09:23
caused by the conflict will eventually heal.
00:09:27
But it is likely to remain raw until it's healed through respectful discussion.
00:09:33
How do we get out of this kind of avoidance?
00:09:37
people who believe that the conflict will resolve itself without talking
00:09:41
about it must know that a joint search for a solution
00:09:46
is much quicker,
00:09:47
more effective and more sustainable over time.
00:09:52
It would be useful to make them understand that there's a great
00:09:56
chance that the conflict will not resolve itself but will grow,
00:10:00
and that delaying its resolution is therefore a risk
00:10:04
and represents a cost for everyone around them.
00:10:08
Make them understand
00:10:10
that in 95% of the cases,
00:10:13
avoidance reinforces the conflict,
00:10:16
especially when the other party is asking for a confrontation.
00:10:23
we have therefore studied the four main factors of conflict avoidance
00:10:32
and believing that things will work themselves out.
00:10:36
For each of these types of behavior,
00:10:38
we saw the strategies to get out of this dead end.
00:10:42
One last piece of advice on the subject.
00:10:45
Be careful not to let yourself be influenced
00:10:48
by giving in to the insecurities and whims of problem people.
00:10:54
By buying peace and putting the other party at a disadvantage,
00:10:59
you will reinforce the conflict.
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