Defusing conflict avoidance Tutorial

Are you struggling with conflict avoidance? Discover effective strategies in "Defusing Conflict Avoidance" to tackle the underlying issues that escalate conflicts. Learn how denial, inhibition, fear of losing, and misconceptions about resolution impact teamwork. Transform your approach to collaboration and develop skills to engage effectively, ensuring lasting peace in your interactions.

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a problem that we call the source of the conflict

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and the inflation of this problem.

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For example,

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refusing to speak,

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lying,

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being cynical will intensify and ignite a conflict

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that initially could have been totally minor.

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To resolve a conflict,

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it is essential to separate the source of a conflict from its inflation.

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Each of these two elements must be and will be resolved in a different way.

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Conflict avoidance is a form of conflict inflation.

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The conflict is inflated

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because we let it slowly consume us without intervening.

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Inspired by Jean Potard's research on the subject.

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We will see the factors of conflict avoidance and how to diffuse them.

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First,

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let's keep in mind that avoidance makes the initial problem worse.

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Things stagnate and worsen

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through refusal and fear of conflict.

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The spark spreads along an electric wire until it meets gas and

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It blows up into an external conflict or

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implodes inside you into internal conflict

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in avoidance under the disguise of force wisdom,

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one refuses to talk about the problem

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out of fear of the consequences,

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fear that the problem will get worse.

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We postpone dealing with it as we postpone

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confronting our fears until they explode or implode.

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There are 4 main avoidance factors denial,

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inhibition,

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fear of losing,

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and the belief that things will sort themselves out.

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Denial is a defense mechanism.

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The person excludes the problem from their consciousness.

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For them there is no problem.

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They may go far as to say,

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I don't have a problem.

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You have a problem.

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By excluding the problem,

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they solve it by omission and continue to live as if nothing had happened.

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At least they pretend to live as if nothing had happened.

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How do you get out of this type of avoidance?

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At the first level,

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it is necessary to present all the facts that prove

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the presence of a problem and the consequences on them

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and others.

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They often remain in denial in order to preserve themselves from the image of

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I have no problem.

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It is necessary,

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without offending their ego,

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to show them that others have seen the problem

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and that they consider they're co-responsible for its resolution.

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Next,

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it will be necessary to help them

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express the emotions that this situation triggers for them

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to be aware of the tension or anxiety that they tried to hide

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from others and sometimes even from themselves,

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daring to recognize what has changed in them.

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Most of the time,

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denying the problem is accompanied by an emotional denial.

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The tension is,

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however,

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noticeable to those around them,

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whether it manifests through emotions or psychosomatic symptoms,

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fatigue,

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back pain,

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stomach problems.

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Helping the person see these emotional and physical

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symptoms will help them get out of denial.

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Thirdly,

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a third party will have to be involved to

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find a solution that is suitable for both parties,

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even if the person in denial is still certain that everything's fine.

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Second avoidance factor inhibition or lack of skill.

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The person does not know how to handle the dispute.

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They do not know what to say or what to do,

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and so they prefer to keep quiet and avoid raising the issue.

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The person has not learnt how to deal with conflicts as a child.

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In their family,

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people probably acted as if nothing had happened

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and took it upon themselves.

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These are often people who did not develop

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the emotional intelligence that will grant them the ability to understand.

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How they and others feel and to put those feelings into words.

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They did not learn how to express their needs.

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They don't know how to meet these needs through cooperation with the other person.

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If you encourage them to reach out to the other person to deal with the conflict,

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they will say,

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but what do you want me to say?

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That's the way it is.

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That's it.

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Often introverted,

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they don't see speaking as a solution

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and don't feel comfortable expressing themselves.

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How do you get out of this type of avoidance?

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First,

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you will need to show these people the impact

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of their avoidance on themselves and on their entourage

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and the risks of deterioration by remaining silent.

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Second,

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it's important to be present

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in order to encourage expression.

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Give the necessary protection to those who are most inhibited,

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who struggle most to express their feelings,

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their needs,

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and their solutions.

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Ask open questions so they can open up little by little.

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Avoid getting out of line,

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of course.

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Avoid taking the side of the person who has difficulties to express themselves

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so as not to block the other side.

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If necessary,

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you may need to separate the parties beforehand

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so that the inhibited person really dares to open up.

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The third factor of avoidance is the fear of losing,

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otherwise known as relational anxiety.

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In this case,

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the person prefers to avoid talking

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because they are afraid of being fooled and

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are afraid of the other person's reaction.

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They have already made a worst case scenario in their

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head in which the discussion leads to the worst.

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They think I'd rather keep quiet so not as to make things worse.

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I want to avoid the clash.

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If I talk,

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it will backfire against me.

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If I talk,

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it will be worse for them.

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I will hurt their feelings.

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The person rejects discussion

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and at best the situation stagnates.

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At worst,

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it ends up exploding

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because no common solution was found.

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How to get out of this type of avoidance?

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First,

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you need to help those anxious people prepare a negotiation plan

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with which they are comfortable.

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Make them understand that the best case scenario for everyone is to

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be able to express and hear the needs and solutions of both parties

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as long as the person is afraid of losing.

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It is necessary to help them define

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what's really important

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and non-negotiable for them.

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What is their target?

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What are their priorities?

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What are the scenarios,

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the conflict resolution options that are acceptable

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and the ones that aren't?

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To do this,

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they will have to think beforehand

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about the options that the other person may suggest

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and prepare answers to these options.

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In this negotiation work prior to the meeting,

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these people will be able to practice expressing their demands verbally

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until they feel ready to say them properly

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in a way that is both respectful to them

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and to the other.

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Second,

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If the person is still in this relationship anxiety

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and fear of losing in a discussion with the other person,

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a third party will be needed to facilitate the discussion

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and to protect the parties from dominating one another.

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Someone to guarantee mutual respect.

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The anxious person should be able to speak calmly without fear of repercussions,

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so they could keep in mind

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what is important and non-negotiable for them,

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so as

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not to let relationship anxiety take over

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and to not accept the unacceptable.

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The fourth factor of avoidance is the belief that things will work themselves out.

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It is extremely rare that things will work themselves out,

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even though we would all like to believe they will.

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It really has to be a small incident with no reason for it to reoccur in the future.

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We want to believe that time will erase the problem.

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Time,

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on the contrary,

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tends to bring us similar incidents that get more and

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more amplified until we take the bull by the horns.

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Your employee comes late.

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You don't say anything,

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hoping that they will eventually understand.

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I'm not so sure.

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We believe that the other person with whom we are in

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conflict will eventually understand will become more reasonable over time.

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As long as we refuse to talk,

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reason is unlikely to find its way out of the conflict.

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We believe that the wound in us

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caused by the conflict will eventually heal.

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But it is likely to remain raw until it's healed through respectful discussion.

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How do we get out of this kind of avoidance?

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First of all,

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people who believe that the conflict will resolve itself without talking

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about it must know that a joint search for a solution

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is much quicker,

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more effective and more sustainable over time.

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Second,

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It would be useful to make them understand that there's a great

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chance that the conflict will not resolve itself but will grow,

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and that delaying its resolution is therefore a risk

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and represents a cost for everyone around them.

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Make them understand

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that in 95% of the cases,

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avoidance reinforces the conflict,

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especially when the other party is asking for a confrontation.

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There

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we have therefore studied the four main factors of conflict avoidance

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denial,

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inhibition,

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fear of losing,

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and believing that things will work themselves out.

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For each of these types of behavior,

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we saw the strategies to get out of this dead end.

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One last piece of advice on the subject.

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Be careful not to let yourself be influenced

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by giving in to the insecurities and whims of problem people.

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By buying peace and putting the other party at a disadvantage,

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you will reinforce the conflict.

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