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for appreciation from our surroundings for who we are
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We strive for perfection.
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We act according to others.
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We strive to fulfill
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by disconnecting from our own.
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We are basically like puppets in the hands of others.
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In this video we'll see why we seek approval so much and how to break free from it.
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Why do we think we need approval?
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It's so good to get approval.
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Most of us appreciate it and feel good after getting it.
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It feels like eating a delicious meal or getting a nice gift.
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Nothing wrong with that.
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This part of ourselves that is sensitive to the approval of others
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is the same part that's sensitive to the happiness of others,
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the part that feels what others like or
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dislike and what contributes to their happiness.
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Our empathetic part that is a beautiful gift.
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If others show happiness when we evolve alongside them,
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we can then decently believe
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that our behavior has a positive influence on them,
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that we contributed to making them happy,
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Receiving approval means being certainly surrounded by happy people.
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He's pleased with me.
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The lights are green.
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it's going to be a good day,
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but do we really hold the power to make others happy?
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Or did they create their own happiness?
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It's a big debate.
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in order to free ourselves from our need for approval,
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it is necessary to know what keeps that need there.
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Why do I need approval so much?
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Is it because without the approval of others I end up doubting myself and my worth,
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or is it because I cannot stand living with someone who is unsatisfied,
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I will make a point of putting a smile back on the face of others
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by being a great employee,
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a loving spouse,
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an exemplary boss,
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a compliant mother.
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I want to make people happy.
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If you take on the mission of making people around you happy
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and you think you have failed every time,
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they're mad at you or they criticize your every move,
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then you're not done chasing the carrot of their satisfaction.
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You are in a prison.
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As long as you have to deal
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with someone negative,
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and or even a bit manipulative,
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you will have to dance to gain their approval.
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Up until the day you'll wake up saying it's not my duty to make you happy.
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I'm done bending over backwards for you to be pleased with me.
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I am who I am and I don't need you to congratulate me.
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You can even keep on criticizing me.
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I will keep on being and becoming what I choose to be and become.
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You are responsible for your own happiness.
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We can keep our sensitivity to what makes others happy and
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sometimes choose our words and acts according to what people like,
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but that will be a free choice without forgetting ourselves.
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Freeing yourself from the need for approval means not trying to
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fulfill the expectations of others as if that were your mission.
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This behavior is more characteristic of women.
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They often take it as their duty to fulfill
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other people's needs and expectations.
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First their partners,
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then their children's.
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it's kind of written into the female DNA.
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At a time when it was the man who brought home the money to support the family,
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the woman was in a very vulnerable position.
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If the man who had the money was not pleased with his wife,
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he could get rid of her.
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Having an unsatisfied man at home meant risking
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to end up on the street with no resources
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while sometimes having to care for the children.
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Without physical force or any law on their side,
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women developed a survival strategy which consisted of
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detecting what pleases or bothers others,
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fulfilling those needs while forgetting their own.
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women are more autonomous and protected.
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Their survival is not at stake anymore
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if their partner is not satisfied with their behavior.
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despite everything,
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many women and men too
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keep on bending over backwards
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to their expense so that their partner or boss or
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client is pleased and shows it with signs of approval,
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as if their life depended on it.
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I need to be loved.
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Our need for approval is often linked
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to a need for love,
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We try to reshape,
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to polish ourselves so as to conform to what others society expect of you.
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We sometimes turn into clones.
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I remember when I first got into business school.
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It was a happy mixture of city dwellers and country folk,
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people of every social class.
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Some came from university,
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others from prep school.
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After graduation,
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everybody was dressing and talking the same way.
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The need for approval and for belonging made us conform.
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Most of us had fallen into the same mold.
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We need lots of self-love to not fall into the mold suggested by the group,
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We need lots of self-love to dare and stay unique and different.
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Social pressure can often be an insidious player.
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Nobody's forcing us to change,
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but we change ourselves to feel like we belong to the group approved by it.
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One needs serious perspective to continue being authentic
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without wearing a social mask.
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This necessitates staying constantly connected with oneself.
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What kind of life do I want to live?
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What's important to me?
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I know people who,
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at 50 years of age,
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gave up their job and friends because they realized that none of that suited them.
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They realized that they forced themselves for their entire
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life to do things that did not suit them.
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By being authentic,
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free of the need to conform,
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the need to be liked,
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we attract other people,
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another universe.
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We will be subject to the criticism of the world that we're leaving behind,
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but that's normal.
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Seeing us leave the mold makes other people feel vulnerable.
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So the real question here is not knowing how
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to free myself from the need for approval,
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what do I want to do and to experience that I didn't
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allow myself to do or experience out of fear of other people's judgment
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You will receive a lot of criticism and some applause and encouragement.
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That is how you know your real friends,
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your real supporters.
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Do not wait to be free of this need for love to do things.
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Do things and your need for love will disintegrate.
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How could we dare to live without judgment of value?
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Because in fact we don't need any approval.
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We don't need it to live.
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It's kind of like saying that we don't need candy.
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They may be delicious,
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and if you like them,
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I hope you'll eat them often,
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but they are not a need.
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I wish you receive approval,
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but I also wish you don't need it.
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To further elaborate on the subject
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and open a new window,
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I will give the floor to some very interesting pedagogues such as Faber,
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According to them,
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giving feedback to a child,
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whether positive or negative,
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can hinder their creativity
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and their natural self-esteem.
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If you tell a child that their drawing is beautiful,
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they may feel bad all the other times that you don't.
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They will deduce that every time you don't
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tell them that their drawing is beautiful,
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and they could lose confidence every time approval isn't expressed.
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As soon as we emit a judgment of value on a child's creations,
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we condition them to always seek applause.
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What should we then say to a child showing us their drawing?
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These pedagogues advise us to just say what we see
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or feel or imagine while looking at the drawing.
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There's an exchange.
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We are showing interest for both the drawing and the child,
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but no judgment of value is emitted on the child or on the drawing.
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The idea is interesting.
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This open and neutral attitude can be often used
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in the right way in our everyday life,
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contemplating without judging,
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talking about what we're observing and feeling and imagining
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without entering into the duality of its good,
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we live in a world where the mind that judges and gauges is omnipresent.
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It is therefore necessary to know how to face
00:09:21
the compliments and criticism we receive every day,
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knowing how to receive them while still having perspective and good self-esteem,
00:09:30
loving ourselves
00:09:31
regardless of the judgment of others.
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