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when you assert yourself,
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when you are in conflict,
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the parent in you,
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the adult in you,
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or the child in you?
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Who is in charge?
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We are going to decipher together what we call the ego states parent,
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that complicate communication with those around us.
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This tool is one of the first developed by Eric Byrne,
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founder of Transactional Analysis.
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Sometimes we behave like one of our parents or grandparents.
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Sometimes we take on the attitudes we used to have as children,
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and sometimes we act like the adult we have become.
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These are the three states of the ego that
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we visualize by three stacked circles P parent,
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The parent state breaks down into controlling parent and nurturing parent.
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And the child state breaks down into conforming child,
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rebellious child,
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We alternate these three states and these six roles,
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but we favor some over others,
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especially when there's tension.
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Here is a situation with the 3 states and the 6 roles.
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rebellious child.
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I'm really sick of this company.
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We are being squeezed like lemons.
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nurturing parent,
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you look exhausted,
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you've given so much.
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Can you take a vacation?
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Simon control in parent.
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I have to finish the X file first out of respect for the client.
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it's your choice.
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Simon conforming child,
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I have no choice.
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It was Andrea who decided on the deadline.
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controlling parent.
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you could be a little braver and learn how to assert yourself in front of Andre.
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If I were brave,
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I would have already gone traveling around the world
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like I've dreamt of for so many years.
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traveling the world.
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nurturing parent,
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but I have to support my family,
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What do you mean forget?
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There is always a solution when you hold on to your dreams.
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but in this case my choice today is to continue this work that I love.
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rebellious child,
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so you wouldn't stop complaining about the company,
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but you calmly let them eat you alive?
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controlling parent,
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you'd better catch up on your backlog rather than wasting time with me,
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nurturing parent.
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I just wanted to help and encourage you.
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your intention is much appreciated.
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We all have access to two parent stage which represent what we have learnt
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the controlling parent and the nurturing parent.
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The controlling parent's function is protecting
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and transmitting norms and values.
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They assert their certainties.
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They give advice,
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they teach and supervise.
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They set this is good,
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this is bad rules,
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and monitor their follow up.
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They protect from danger.
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if you get stuck in the controlling parent and become a critical parent,
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you criticize and lecture the other.
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You are convinced you know everything.
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You impose your points of view and your value system.
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You attack the other with you must,
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You did not understand.
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Summon in the conforming or rebellious child in them.
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If you point your critical parenthood towards yourself,
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you risk being all day long in self-criticism,
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An excess of control in parenting leads to
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critical parenting and fosters the I must,
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I should have attitude and undermines joy and self-confidence.
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The nurturing parent holds a function of permission and encouragement.
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be more maternal.
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and express their trust in others.
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They take care of others,
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The nurturing parent anticipates the needs of others and supports them by helping.
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If you get stuck in the nurturing parent attitude,
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you become a rescuing parent.
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You're going to play the role of the savior by being the good soul
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who takes it upon themselves to make others happy and figure things out.
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of letting everyone take and own their responsibilities,
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you risk creating toxic codependency for yourself
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You risk asphyxiating them with your affection,
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your desire to help.
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Do you need to feel needed?
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Do you only love yourself because you feel useful?
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Take a step back,
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use your nurturing skills to take care of yourself first,
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to give yourself recognition,
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to encourage yourself
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to achieve your desires.
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We all have access to 3 child states
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which represent the realm of feeling and emotions,
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the conforming child,
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the rebellious child,
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and the free child.
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The function of the conforming child is to adapt to the environment around them.
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Since they are very receptive to the words of the controlling parent,
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they will listen
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and follow their precepts.
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According to them,
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the standard of what they should do and think is external,
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and they observe,
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and submit to it
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so that everything turns out as well as possible.
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If you get stuck in the conforming child,
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you will become a submissive child.
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You will obey people that seem to know better than you
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what to do and what to say.
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You will seek to please those around you by being silent
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or supporting them or taking action just to please them.
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The fear of being hurt
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or left out will make you a yes yes person,
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slumped and submissive,
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reinforcing the power games of others towards you and forgetting your own needs.
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Growing up and coming out of the submissive child state means choosing standards
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and values that are yours instead of submitting to those of the parent.
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It means daring to set limits and say no,
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even if it means triggering the anger of a
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toxic parent who asks only for your submissive obedience.
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The second child state is the rebellious child.
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It holds a function of legitimate opposition.
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They act and express themselves just as much as the conforming child,
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depending on the parental requirements.
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But unlike the submissive child who adapts to them,
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the rebellious child establishes their identity by opposing
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what has been suggested or imposed during childhood.
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The rebellious child can become a never ending protesting child during a conflict.
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They are against everything akin to authority.
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They establish certainties and values that are opposed to what they were taught.
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Counterdependent,
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the protesting child overreacts to anything that seems to prevent them
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from enjoying freedom or restrain their impulses and desires.
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They can throw huge tantrums if any obstacle comes in
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the way of fulfilling their desires as a child.
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their rebellion can prevent them from being in touch with their own needs,
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their adult needs.
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They are not free but simply counterdependent.
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They still live according to the norm by opposing it.
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The free child is the one who knows how to express
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their needs and emotions in a simple and natural way.
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They do it without judgment,
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without preconceptions or bias.
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they have the ability to create,
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entertain themselves,
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and they live and express their emotions
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and needs without guilt or ulterior motives.
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They are a spontaneous portal of imagination and intuition
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beyond the filter of thoughts and obligations used by the other states of parent,
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adult and child.
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The free child has the ability to bring out joy and humor even in difficult times.
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Are you driving through a police checkpoint?
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The controlling parent may say.
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You are right to check regularly with all these young delinquents around,
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or you'd better check the people speeding.
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A conforming child will say,
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of course I can also give you my identity card,
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A rebellious child will say,
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I didn't do anything.
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I don't see why I should give you my papers.
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The free child could say,
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it is so sunny and hot today.
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Wouldn't you rather come and have a drink?
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I know a great place.
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In a difficult communication,
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the free child will not necessarily be constructive,
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although they can be very creative.
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But they will be able to maintain a good mood
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for those who are not offended by their freedom.
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The most rationalego state is the adult state.
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It analyses situations,
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assimilates information,
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deals with problems.
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They often speak in a neutral,
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They hold the function of environmental exploration.
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To the question,
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what time is it?
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They will not respond as a controlling parent.
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You still have an hour to finish the file.
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Nor as a nurturing parent.
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I will help you finish the file.
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as a conforming child,
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I'll be done soon.
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Nor as a rebellious child.
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We don't care about the time.
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There's no rush,
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as a free child.
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It's time to buy yourself a watch.
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To the question what time is it,
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the adult will answer it is 4:50 p.m. period.
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if you find yourself stuck in the adult ego state,
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whether they're in parent or child state,
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may feel misunderstood or even irritated by
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the lack of emotion in your relationship.
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They will feel like they're talking to a robot
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that feels nothing.
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the advantage of the adult is that they stick
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to facts without adding their tension to the communication.
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They're not battling with either judgment or emotions.
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They will be able to stick to the
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facts and seek satisfactory solutions for everyone.
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If they rely on the free child to be creative,
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to know how to express needs and emotions,
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and to put things into perspective,
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together the free child and the adult will be the pillars of conflict resolution.
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we all have access within ourselves to parent,
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and nurturing states,
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and child states conforming,
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Each of these roles has an essential function and
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brings balance to our life and our relationships.
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It's up to us to choose our state at the right time
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in the right situations with the right people.
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I recommend a gentle balance between the free child state
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and the adult state.
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