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a communication begins to get tense?
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How do you behave while you are stressed or in the middle of a conflict?
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Do you turn to flight,
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or do you choose healthy affirmation?
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Inspired by the Gordon test,
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this video describes the three ways of communication that lead towards a dead end.
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And we'll explain to you how to get out of these first three attitudes
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in order to choose assertiveness,
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the healthy self-affirmation instead.
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Do you have a tendency to manipulate?
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The manipulation attitude,
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according to the Gordon test is that of the naughty.
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Don't think that only narcissistic perverts are manipulative.
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We are all a little manipulative,
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especially if this power game functioned during
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our childhood with our parents and siblings.
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The naughty wants to achieve their goal regardless of the cost.
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They pick up on our contradictions to corner us.
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They quickly see the other's weak points and use them.
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They will use our naivety,
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or our lack of confidence to make us say or do things that are convenient for them.
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They don't need to use force in order to make you obey.
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They just pull the right strings.
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The naughty manipulator thinks that in order to achieve their goals,
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sometimes it is necessary to flatter,
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and why not lie a little.
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They don't want us to find out about their game.
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They often hide what they are thinking by breaching falsehood for the truth
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or by speaking through intermediaries.
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They may change their speech according to their interlocutor.
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they know how to persuade through pulling strings.
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They will seek to indirectly influence the other or the others,
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alternating smiles and intimidation according to the situation.
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They will use their verbal fluency to win the game.
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use sentences such as After all I've done
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for you against someone who easily feels guilty.
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They will say to the one who is eager for recognition,
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you who are so good at
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Do us an amazing job on file A,
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and they will add,
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Don't spend too much time on it.
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Don't forget that on Tuesday you have file B to return to us
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in order not to be unmasked,
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the manipulator often uses the we,
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to make it easier not to play fair and use their puppeteering talents.
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They are the puppeteer and the other person is their puppet.
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They will create a deep split between the
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clan of those who will continue to follow them
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and those who will have unmasked them
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and who will want them to lose.
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The biggest stress of a naughty manipulator is being cornered by others.
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To get out of this attitude of manipulation,
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they will have to learn or they will need to be helped on,
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on daring to lay their cards on the table,
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on simply answering the questions,
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on being direct in their questions and requests,
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on speaking in their name.
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they will have to unmask,
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whereas they have always believed
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that unmasking themselves will bring them to ruin.
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Help them play fair and unmask themselves with
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as much indulgence and protection as possible.
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Do you tend to flee or submit when you are in a challenging situation?
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according to Gordon's test,
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what he calls the flight attitude.
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The attitude of flight is that of the doormat.
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The doormat suffocates their personality.
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They bowed to the desires of others and answered yes to too much demand.
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They don't listen to their needs.
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It is a form of resignation of self-denial.
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They are the type to accept too many assignments
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to be over adaptable and drudgery at disposal.
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They stay in their corner,
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barely express themselves or not at all.
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They always seem to agree.
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When they are accused,
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rather than attacking the other person in return,
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they justify themselves.
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They stop when interrupted and often have their
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voice descending at the end of sentences.
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the doormat gets trapped in flight.
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They do not respond directly to questions asked and do not initiate contacts.
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Running away helps avoid confrontation,
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but frustration increases as problems are not resolved.
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If you feel that in the case of difficulties you are always fleeing,
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you risk accumulating defeats and frustrations.
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It is urgent to reach out to others to assert your point
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of view by continuing to speak even if you are interrupted.
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To eliminate any justification from your vocabulary and to state your needs,
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it's not that simple.
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Know that there is a real difference between going your
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own way without answering and fleeing despite their apparent similarity.
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If you feel that the other person is superior to you because
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they are higher in the hierarchy or smarter or stronger or more,
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And if this so-called superiority of the other generates such stress for you
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that you'd rather shut up and run away,
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you are fleeing,
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being filled with the adrenaline of stress.
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On the other hand,
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if you feel that you have an equal value to the other person
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to be neither superior to them
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then you can sometimes choose to go your own way as a prince.
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It will not be flight.
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This is particularly the case with unjustified criticism.
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Sometimes it will be good to respond and assert yourself.
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Other times it will be good to avoid stress in the event and just go your own way.
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You may be familiar with the expression.
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The toad's slime does not reach the white dove.
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I therefore invite you to know how to discern
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deep inside yourself if you are fleeing out of fear
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or if you go your own way like a prince
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without bearing the brunt of the other person's stress.
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Do you tend to become aggressive in a challenging situation?
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This is what the Gordon test calls the aggressive attitude,
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the hedgehog attitude.
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The hedgehog attacks out of fear of others
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on the defensive they send pungent sentences.
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They accuse the other person,
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seeing them as the problem.
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The more stressed they are,
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the more aggressive they are.
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they don't trust easily.
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There is often a kind of paranoia in aggressive people.
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The hedgehog asserts themselves in a peremptory
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manner with a noticeable lack of listening.
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they cut the word and want to have the last word.
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They are pugnacious to the point of crushing others at times,
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ironic to the point of being unpleasant.
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They seek to impose their decision,
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much like the doormat that flees,
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the hedgehog is simply in fear and stress.
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In a healthy assertiveness,
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there is no need to attack and demean others.
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Attack is just a stressful way of dealing with the relationship.
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Feeling aggrieved and belittled or fearful of being so,
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the aggressor goes into battle
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to be sure not to lose their territory and to keep a positive image of themselves.
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They believe that the other person is a danger.
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They believe that in a relationship there is always a winner and a loser,
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so they grit their teeth and they clench their fists to be part of the winner's club.
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The hedgehog's attitude causes the conflict to escalate.
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Unless your aggressiveness wins and the other person,
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an intimidated doormat,
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lets you take the victory,
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but this is only a short term victory because the
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other person will always hold a grudge against you.
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Arm wrestling is one of the worst strategies one can use to resolve a.
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If you have a tendency in conflict to go on the attack like a hedgehog,
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first acknowledge the stress that drives you,
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dare to share it with the other person.
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Stop believing that in a conflict either you win or you lose.
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Do whatever it takes to get your breath back
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and relax before you address the other person.
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know that there is a real difference between
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assaulting and expressing anger despite their apparent similarity.
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You can express your disagreement in anger,
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set limits with authority without demeaning and trampling on the other person
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because you value yourself,
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you can raise the tone to show what you want
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Letting out healthy anger is sometimes the better thing to do.
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It is honoring yourself and setting your limits.
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We have seen the first three attitudes of manipulation,
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What is the right attitude to have in a challenging situation?
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The ideal attitude,
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especially in a conflict but also in everyday life,
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is healthy affirmation,
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also known as assertiveness.
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No manipulation,
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no aggressiveness.
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that this healthy affirmation can,
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consist of going your own way or
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expressing your anger with self-control and consciousness.
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it is possible to have a different point of view,
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different values,
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or different goals without coming into conflict.
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It's the art of communication.
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The assertive person respects themselves
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In the event of a dispute,
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they will seek to exchange in order to move forward.
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They speak in their name,
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They do not speak of the other person,
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or on behalf of the other person.
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It is on the other hand,
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challenging to communicate in a healthy way with people who are stressed,
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therefore elusive,
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or manipulative,
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we can communicate with these people without falling under stress ourselves.
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We can communicate stress free with people who have
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a radically different point of view from our own.
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This is the richness of difference.
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Learning to calmly assert yourself is one of the keys of communication.
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Assertiveness is not to flee,
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but to dare speak up
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by starting with the facts and expressing your needs and solutions.
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Assertiveness is not being aggressive,
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but expressing yourself with mastery and openness to others in a respectful form,
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respectful of oneself and of the other.
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I have value and so do they.
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Assertiveness is not manipulation
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but self-expression in a clear,
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which sometimes requires raising your voice and saying,
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I am very irritated by what's going on,
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or I'm extremely worried about the deadlines.
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Assertiveness is sometimes also choosing to be silent and going your own way.
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