Assert yourself healthily : without flight, aggressiveness and manipulation Tutorial

Are you often caught in the web of flight, aggression, or manipulation during conflict? Discover how to assert yourself healthily in "assert yourself healthily: without flight, aggressiveness and manipulation." This insightful video explores the intricacies of assertive communication, focusing on how to express yourself clearly and respectfully while navigating tensions. Learn to embrace healthy affirmation and transform your interactions today!

11:56
3 views

Selected for you
New

Available in SoftSkills

00:00:07

a communication begins to get tense?

00:00:09

How do you behave while you are stressed or in the middle of a conflict?

00:00:14

Do you turn to flight,

00:00:15

aggressiveness,

00:00:17

manipulation,

00:00:17

or do you choose healthy affirmation?

00:00:20

Inspired by the Gordon test,

00:00:22

this video describes the three ways of communication that lead towards a dead end.

00:00:28

And we'll explain to you how to get out of these first three attitudes

00:00:33

in order to choose assertiveness,

00:00:36

the healthy self-affirmation instead.

00:00:39

Do you have a tendency to manipulate?

00:00:42

The manipulation attitude,

00:00:44

according to the Gordon test is that of the naughty.

00:00:48

Don't think that only narcissistic perverts are manipulative.

00:00:52

We are all a little manipulative,

00:00:54

especially if this power game functioned during

00:00:57

our childhood with our parents and siblings.

00:01:00

The naughty wants to achieve their goal regardless of the cost.

00:01:05

They pick up on our contradictions to corner us.

00:01:09

They quickly see the other's weak points and use them.

00:01:13

They will use our naivety,

00:01:14

our generosity,

00:01:16

as stress,

00:01:17

or our lack of confidence to make us say or do things that are convenient for them.

00:01:23

They don't need to use force in order to make you obey.

00:01:27

They just pull the right strings.

00:01:30

The naughty manipulator thinks that in order to achieve their goals,

00:01:34

sometimes it is necessary to flatter,

00:01:37

to devalue,

00:01:38

and why not lie a little.

00:01:40

They don't want us to find out about their game.

00:01:44

They often hide what they are thinking by breaching falsehood for the truth

00:01:48

or by speaking through intermediaries.

00:01:51

They may change their speech according to their interlocutor.

00:01:55

In short,

00:01:56

they know how to persuade through pulling strings.

00:02:00

They will seek to indirectly influence the other or the others,

00:02:04

alternating smiles and intimidation according to the situation.

00:02:09

They will use their verbal fluency to win the game.

00:02:13

They could,

00:02:14

for example,

00:02:15

use sentences such as After all I've done

00:02:18

for you against someone who easily feels guilty.

00:02:22

They will say to the one who is eager for recognition,

00:02:25

David,

00:02:26

you who are so good at

00:02:29

Do us an amazing job on file A,

00:02:32

and they will add,

00:02:33

but be careful.

00:02:34

Don't spend too much time on it.

00:02:36

Don't forget that on Tuesday you have file B to return to us

00:02:41

in order not to be unmasked,

00:02:43

the manipulator often uses the we,

00:02:47

we need,

00:02:48

we say that

00:02:49

to make it easier not to play fair and use their puppeteering talents.

00:02:54

They are the puppeteer and the other person is their puppet.

00:02:59

They will create a deep split between the

00:03:01

clan of those who will continue to follow them

00:03:04

and those who will have unmasked them

00:03:07

and who will want them to lose.

00:03:10

The biggest stress of a naughty manipulator is being cornered by others.

00:03:15

To get out of this attitude of manipulation,

00:03:18

they will have to learn or they will need to be helped on,

00:03:22

on daring to lay their cards on the table,

00:03:25

on simply answering the questions,

00:03:28

on being direct in their questions and requests,

00:03:31

on speaking in their name.

00:03:33

In short,

00:03:34

they will have to unmask,

00:03:37

whereas they have always believed

00:03:39

that unmasking themselves will bring them to ruin.

00:03:43

Help them play fair and unmask themselves with

00:03:46

as much indulgence and protection as possible.

00:03:50

Do you tend to flee or submit when you are in a challenging situation?

00:03:55

This is,

00:03:56

according to Gordon's test,

00:03:58

what he calls the flight attitude.

00:04:00

The attitude of flight is that of the doormat.

00:04:04

The doormat suffocates their personality.

00:04:07

They bowed to the desires of others and answered yes to too much demand.

00:04:12

They don't listen to their needs.

00:04:14

It is a form of resignation of self-denial.

00:04:17

They are the type to accept too many assignments

00:04:20

to be over adaptable and drudgery at disposal.

00:04:24

They stay in their corner,

00:04:26

barely express themselves or not at all.

00:04:28

They always seem to agree.

00:04:30

When they are accused,

00:04:32

rather than attacking the other person in return,

00:04:35

they justify themselves.

00:04:37

They stop when interrupted and often have their

00:04:40

voice descending at the end of sentences.

00:04:43

In the extreme,

00:04:44

the doormat gets trapped in flight.

00:04:47

They do not respond directly to questions asked and do not initiate contacts.

00:04:53

Running away helps avoid confrontation,

00:04:56

but frustration increases as problems are not resolved.

00:05:00

If you feel that in the case of difficulties you are always fleeing,

00:05:04

you risk accumulating defeats and frustrations.

00:05:07

It is urgent to reach out to others to assert your point

00:05:11

of view by continuing to speak even if you are interrupted.

00:05:15

To eliminate any justification from your vocabulary and to state your needs,

00:05:20

be careful,

00:05:21

it's not that simple.

00:05:24

Know that there is a real difference between going your

00:05:27

own way without answering and fleeing despite their apparent similarity.

00:05:33

If you feel that the other person is superior to you because

00:05:36

they are higher in the hierarchy or smarter or stronger or more,

00:05:41

hm.

00:05:41

And if this so-called superiority of the other generates such stress for you

00:05:47

that you'd rather shut up and run away,

00:05:50

then yes,

00:05:51

you are fleeing,

00:05:52

being filled with the adrenaline of stress.

00:05:55

On the other hand,

00:05:56

if you feel that you have an equal value to the other person

00:06:00

to be neither superior to them

00:06:02

nor inferior,

00:06:04

then you can sometimes choose to go your own way as a prince.

00:06:07

It will not be flight.

00:06:09

This is particularly the case with unjustified criticism.

00:06:13

Sometimes it will be good to respond and assert yourself.

00:06:17

Other times it will be good to avoid stress in the event and just go your own way.

00:06:22

You may be familiar with the expression.

00:06:25

The toad's slime does not reach the white dove.

00:06:29

I therefore invite you to know how to discern

00:06:31

deep inside yourself if you are fleeing out of fear

00:06:35

or if you go your own way like a prince

00:06:38

without bearing the brunt of the other person's stress.

00:06:42

Do you tend to become aggressive in a challenging situation?

00:06:46

This is what the Gordon test calls the aggressive attitude,

00:06:49

in other words,

00:06:50

the hedgehog attitude.

00:06:52

The hedgehog attacks out of fear of others

00:06:56

on the defensive they send pungent sentences.

00:06:59

They accuse the other person,

00:07:01

seeing them as the problem.

00:07:03

The more stressed they are,

00:07:04

the more aggressive they are.

00:07:06

In fact,

00:07:07

they don't trust easily.

00:07:08

There is often a kind of paranoia in aggressive people.

00:07:12

The hedgehog asserts themselves in a peremptory

00:07:15

manner with a noticeable lack of listening.

00:07:19

Clumsy,

00:07:20

they cut the word and want to have the last word.

00:07:23

They are pugnacious to the point of crushing others at times,

00:07:27

ironic to the point of being unpleasant.

00:07:29

They seek to impose their decision,

00:07:32

much like the doormat that flees,

00:07:34

the hedgehog is simply in fear and stress.

00:07:38

In a healthy assertiveness,

00:07:40

there is no need to attack and demean others.

00:07:43

Attack is just a stressful way of dealing with the relationship.

00:07:48

Feeling aggrieved and belittled or fearful of being so,

00:07:52

the aggressor goes into battle

00:07:54

to be sure not to lose their territory and to keep a positive image of themselves.

00:08:00

They believe that the other person is a danger.

00:08:03

They believe that in a relationship there is always a winner and a loser,

00:08:09

so they grit their teeth and they clench their fists to be part of the winner's club.

00:08:14

The hedgehog's attitude causes the conflict to escalate.

00:08:18

Unless your aggressiveness wins and the other person,

00:08:22

an intimidated doormat,

00:08:23

lets you take the victory,

00:08:25

but this is only a short term victory because the

00:08:28

other person will always hold a grudge against you.

00:08:32

Arm wrestling is one of the worst strategies one can use to resolve a.

00:08:36

at work.

00:08:37

If you have a tendency in conflict to go on the attack like a hedgehog,

00:08:43

first acknowledge the stress that drives you,

00:08:46

then

00:08:47

dare to share it with the other person.

00:08:49

Stop believing that in a conflict either you win or you lose.

00:08:54

Do whatever it takes to get your breath back

00:08:57

and relax before you address the other person.

00:09:00

Warning,

00:09:01

know that there is a real difference between

00:09:04

assaulting and expressing anger despite their apparent similarity.

00:09:09

You can express your disagreement in anger,

00:09:12

set limits with authority without demeaning and trampling on the other person

00:09:17

because you value yourself,

00:09:18

you can raise the tone to show what you want

00:09:21

and don't want.

00:09:23

Letting out healthy anger is sometimes the better thing to do.

00:09:28

It is honoring yourself and setting your limits.

00:09:32

We have seen the first three attitudes of manipulation,

00:09:36

flight,

00:09:36

and aggression.

00:09:38

What is the right attitude to have in a challenging situation?

00:09:41

The ideal attitude,

00:09:43

especially in a conflict but also in everyday life,

00:09:47

is healthy affirmation,

00:09:49

also known as assertiveness.

00:09:51

No manipulation,

00:09:53

no flight,

00:09:54

no aggressiveness.

00:09:55

Let us remember

00:09:57

that this healthy affirmation can,

00:09:59

however,

00:10:00

consist of going your own way or

00:10:02

expressing your anger with self-control and consciousness.

00:10:07

Yes,

00:10:08

it is possible to have a different point of view,

00:10:11

different values,

00:10:12

or different goals without coming into conflict.

00:10:16

It's the art of communication.

00:10:18

The assertive person respects themselves

00:10:22

and the others.

00:10:24

In the event of a dispute,

00:10:25

they will seek to exchange in order to move forward.

00:10:29

They speak in their name,

00:10:30

I.

00:10:31

They do not speak of the other person,

00:10:33

you,

00:10:34

or on behalf of the other person.

00:10:37

It is on the other hand,

00:10:39

challenging to communicate in a healthy way with people who are stressed,

00:10:43

therefore elusive,

00:10:44

aggressive,

00:10:45

or manipulative,

00:10:47

though

00:10:48

we can communicate with these people without falling under stress ourselves.

00:10:53

We can communicate stress free with people who have

00:10:56

a radically different point of view from our own.

00:11:00

This is the richness of difference.

00:11:03

Learning to calmly assert yourself is one of the keys of communication.

00:11:08

Assertiveness is not to flee,

00:11:10

but to dare speak up

00:11:12

by starting with the facts and expressing your needs and solutions.

00:11:17

Assertiveness is not being aggressive,

00:11:20

but expressing yourself with mastery and openness to others in a respectful form,

00:11:25

respectful of oneself and of the other.

00:11:28

I have value and so do they.

00:11:31

Assertiveness is not manipulation

00:11:34

but self-expression in a clear,

00:11:37

direct,

00:11:37

and honest way

00:11:39

which sometimes requires raising your voice and saying,

00:11:43

I am very irritated by what's going on,

00:11:46

or I'm extremely worried about the deadlines.

00:11:49

Assertiveness is sometimes also choosing to be silent and going your own way.

Mandarine AI: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW