00:00:05
a conflict if we assert ourselves healthily?
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The answer is no.
00:00:10
Asserting yourself in a healthy way that is in a respectful relationship
00:00:14
as an equal with the other person is a win-win communication.
00:00:19
But how can we establish this relationship as equals?
00:00:22
Is it so natural?
00:00:24
We actually have 4 possible relationships in our relation to the other.
00:00:30
I think that I am not OK and that the other is OK,
00:00:35
Second position,
00:00:37
I think I'm OK and the other is not,
00:00:43
I think I'm not OK and the other is not OK.
00:00:49
I think I'm OK and the other is OK,
00:00:53
the positive that enables win-win communication.
00:00:56
But what does it mean to be OK?
00:01:00
being plus is giving yourself value
00:01:03
with one's shadows and lights,
00:01:05
being autonomous,
00:01:06
responsible for one's life.
00:01:08
To be OK is to consider yourself a good person.
00:01:14
is feeling like a loser,
00:01:16
not good enough for what is happening,
00:01:18
for what is expected of me.
00:01:19
It's feeling like a victim and not valuing yourself.
00:01:23
According to Eric Barne,
00:01:25
who developed the concept,
00:01:26
our chosen life positions go back to our childhood.
00:01:30
Is there a box where you find yourself more often?
00:01:32
If you feel I'm not OK and the other person is OK,
00:01:36
or in a minus plus position,
00:01:39
then you put yourself in a position of inferiority,
00:01:42
and even flight.
00:01:44
You denigrate yourself,
00:01:45
you feel like a victim,
00:01:46
you wait for others to do and decide for you,
00:01:49
because they know better than you do,
00:01:51
because they are more valuable.
00:01:53
You're making yourself dependent.
00:01:56
By positioning yourself in a minus plus,
00:01:58
you're feeding the conflict.
00:02:00
You'll end up irritating by your false modesty.
00:02:04
You're not going to take full responsibility for your life.
00:02:07
By belittling yourself,
00:02:09
you will end up being belittled by others and letting yourself be dominated.
00:02:13
People in a minus plus trigger criticism often by devaluing themselves and
00:02:18
sometimes find themselves offended about being treated badly or like children.
00:02:23
Do you sometimes feel inferior to others putting them on a pedestal above you
00:02:28
until the day conflict sets in because one or the other
00:02:32
gets tired of the game and or wants more power?
00:02:36
Working on valuing your talents and achievements will help you
00:02:38
move from a minus + to a plus plus.
00:02:42
you have value and unique talents.
00:02:45
no one is superior to you,
00:02:48
You can take the other person down from their pedestal.
00:02:51
They are no higher than you.
00:02:52
Stop idolizing them.
00:02:55
everyone has insecurities and fears.
00:02:57
Everyone has experienced failure.
00:03:00
you don't have to put your decisions in other people's hands,
00:03:03
nor do you have to unload yourself of the actions you are afraid to take on.
00:03:08
Regardless of the age,
00:03:09
hierarchical level,
00:03:10
beauty or IQ of the person in front of you,
00:03:13
regardless of how they look at you,
00:03:15
you can change your outlook in order to establish a plus plus relationship.
00:03:21
If you feel that I'm OK and the other is not OK,
00:03:24
this is a plus minus.
00:03:25
You put yourself in a position of superiority.
00:03:28
In this position,
00:03:29
the plus minus person is arrogant or even aggressive.
00:03:33
They tend to criticize the other person to believe that
00:03:35
it is up to the other person to change,
00:03:38
to reject the other person.
00:03:40
In communication,
00:03:41
a plus minus person does not question
00:03:43
themselves very often and proves to be dominating
00:03:46
and even accusing.
00:03:48
They know better than the other person.
00:03:50
They do better than the other person.
00:03:52
Their interest is more important than the other person's me,
00:03:56
The other person must therefore submit to them,
00:03:59
and the plus minus fuels conflict
00:04:03
repeating that they are not to blame,
00:04:04
that it is the other one who is mostly,
00:04:06
if not always at fault.
00:04:09
The plus minus person looks down on the other person.
00:04:14
more intelligent than you.
00:04:15
I'm a good person and not you.
00:04:18
Note that the plus minus position is often
00:04:20
a false antidote for the minus plus position.
00:04:24
I need to belittle the other one,
00:04:26
sometimes in front of others,
00:04:27
to feel worthwhile.
00:04:29
I need to detail their flaws,
00:04:31
and even generalize them to enhance my image.
00:04:35
But when you get into a plus minus,
00:04:37
it is impossible to build a win-win communication.
00:04:41
As the perception is initially biased,
00:04:43
the conflict will ignite accordingly.
00:04:46
Even and especially in conflict,
00:04:48
there is neither a superior nor an inferior person.
00:04:51
Everyone has value.
00:04:53
So how do you go from a plus minus to a plus plus?
00:04:57
Working on self-esteem,
00:04:59
true self-esteem will help people who are stuck in a plus minus
00:05:02
to no longer need to belittle the other person to feel OK.
00:05:06
They will have to learn to acknowledge
00:05:08
their defects and responsibility with simplicity.
00:05:11
This is not self-deprecating,
00:05:12
it's just being an adult.
00:05:14
It is indeed possible to love yourself with all your failures,
00:05:18
and insecurities without having to point out those of others,
00:05:22
without having to put yourself on a pedestal.
00:05:25
Third life position,
00:05:27
if you think I'm not OK,
00:05:29
the other's not OK,
00:05:31
then you put yourself in the position of resignation.
00:05:35
These people mm think for example that the crisis has no solution,
00:05:39
that the company is going straight towards its demise,
00:05:42
and that the conflict is unsolvable because no one has the skills to solve it.
00:05:47
There's nothing to be done according to them.
00:05:49
That's the way it is.
00:05:50
These people mm passively run away from
00:05:54
their responsibilities or even sabotage communication.
00:05:57
By having a defeatist vision of themselves and their environment,
00:06:00
they feed the conflict by refusing to work on it.
00:06:04
They have nothing constructive to suggest because they do
00:06:07
not even believe in their capacity to improve things.
00:06:11
Stuck in a lose-lose communication,
00:06:14
only the presence of a mediator can bring solution to the conflict.
00:06:19
sometimes we have hopeless minus minus days
00:06:24
A radical change of perception is necessary to recover at
00:06:27
least a minimum of faith in yourself and in others,
00:06:32
and to get out of the crisis.
00:06:34
Unless you're a rival to the minus minus position is a sign
00:06:37
that you need to get out of a depressing environment right away,
00:06:40
or at least seek help from a professional.
00:06:43
Only the position of I'm OK and the other is OK is a cooperative win-win position.
00:06:49
It is the right perception to cultivate in order to build healthy communication.
00:06:55
If you and your partner can keep the plus plus perception
00:06:59
even within conflicts,
00:07:00
you will easily find a solution to any disagreement.
00:07:04
I would even say that a disagreement cannot turn into a conflict
00:07:07
when both parties remain in a plus plus vision without devaluing,
00:07:12
neither themselves nor the other.
00:07:14
They will find a win-win solution in negotiation.
00:07:18
It should be noted that win-win sometimes involves developing work,
00:07:22
autonomy and separating each party's interests,
00:07:25
like two partners who choose at some point to end
00:07:27
a partnership that is no longer compatible with their values.
00:07:31
What about the other one,
00:07:33
You've managed to get into the OK OK box,
00:07:36
but you're faced with a person who
00:07:37
is stubbornly defending their attitude of escape,
00:07:43
What can you do?
00:07:45
A person who has confidence in themselves does not need to be
00:07:48
aggressive or to resign or to be submissive or to run away.
00:07:53
Only the plus plus OK OK box is stable.
00:07:56
In the OK OK plus plus,
00:07:58
the person asserts themselves with the right amount of self-esteem
00:08:02
and eem for the other person in a positive and constructive attitude.
00:08:07
So first you should know that if the person facing
00:08:10
you remains in one of the 3 non-constructive boxes,
00:08:13
they actually lack self-esteem,
00:08:15
even if they don't want to admit it to themselves.
00:08:19
Have compassion for this person who runs away
00:08:21
or bites trying to have value and power.
00:08:25
know that you can keep the plus plus position even when facing that person.
00:08:31
but it's possible.
00:08:33
You may have already experienced this
00:08:35
position with your child when they're throwing
00:08:36
a tantrum in the state of desperation or even anger directed at you.
00:08:41
No matter what your child said or did,
00:08:44
you continue to value them without being stepped on or manipulated.
00:08:48
You remain in plus plus.
00:08:50
Do the same for a trapped adult.
00:08:52
Be firm and calm and propose a solution that seems like a win-win situation.
00:08:57
If the other person doesn't hear you,
00:08:59
call in a mediator.
00:09:02
regardless of the other person's perception and attitude,
00:09:05
remains steady in the certainty that each person is
00:09:08
autonomous and responsible for what happens to them,
00:09:11
that each of you is valuable.
00:09:14
Cultivating a plus plus perception will grant you the best chances
00:09:18
of win-win communication and will get you out of many conflicts.
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