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manage conflicts with others if we are inhabited by inner conflicts.
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We are often in the grip of these internal conflicts.
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we doubt ourselves.
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We regret our choices.
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We tell ourselves,
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There are many parts or aspects of ourselves
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that oppose and pull us in opposite directions.
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Whether I'm helping Sam with his case or not,
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I decline this meeting or not.
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I apply for this position or not.
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In this video we will first understand the mechanism of these intentions,
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then see how to listen to our conflicting aspects,
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and finally how to make the best decision as a master.
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Let us first study the mechanism of these internal tensions.
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We have different parts,
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different aspects of us that are constantly expressing themselves.
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One side of us wants to help a colleague,
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Another wants to stick to their files.
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One aspect of us wants a career promotion.
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Another wants to come home earlier from work.
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If the conflict with the client.
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an aspect that does not want to give in
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and an aspect that is afraid of losing the client.
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External conflict with others is often the
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pale mirror of our unresolved internal conflicts.
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Where do these aspects come from,
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these voices in us.
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These are facets of us which we have created
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through our experiences and encounters.
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One aspect of us that prioritizes respect above all
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will come from parental education,
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which has made respect the essential rule in relationships with others.
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Another aspect of us that is extremely generous and never says no
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might be borne through a greed for recognition.
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One aspect of oneself that is very worried about losing one's job
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will be due to a difficult experience of unemployment.
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An aspect of oneself that loves to dance
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has been nurtured through wonderful kindergarten dance experiences.
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We have multiple aspects of us
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that have their own unique life.
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Some are well integrated,
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others more angry.
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Some are little listened to.
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Others easily take control and often have the last word.
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Will the aspect who wants to finish the job for tonight
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outweigh the aspect who wants to go shopping
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or the aspect who wants to get home as soon as possible?
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These aspects of us were created by us,
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often unconsciously
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as we went through experiences.
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You were hurt by someone.
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What aspect did you create?
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The aspect I am wary and do not easily give my trust.
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The aspect no one will have the upper hand over me,
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the aspect I will forgive and forget,
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the aspect I have deserved that they treat me badly,
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the aspect I will take revenge.
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what aspects do you continue to nourish
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by letting them take power,
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by nourishing them with thoughts and words that strengthen them.
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If you have an aspect that thinks I absolutely have to
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roll over and submit at work to avoid losing my job,
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do you feed it by reading unemployment statistics,
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or do you feed the confidence in my job and in the future aspect
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by reading the stories of those who
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have succeeded in starting their own businesses?
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A multitude of aspects,
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voices have their certainties and advise you to act or not in such a direction.
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If you are not aware of these aspects,
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they will lead you as they please.
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If you have not integrated these aspects around a centered eye,
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which is like a master who can calmly
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listen to the divergent opinions of his servants,
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you will be torn.
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Aspects are not you,
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they are your creations in a way you could say they are your servants.
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The aspect that gets angry when injustice shows itself,
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the aspect that knows how to make Excel tables,
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the aspect that is so professional at public speaking,
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the aspect that wants to protect you from unemployment.
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The key is to remain the master of these aspects.
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They are not the ones who should rule you.
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Now that we have deciphered the mechanism of these internal tensions,
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let's see what attitude to adopt when an internal conflict arises.
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it is essential to recognize which are the parts,
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aspects of self that are present in the situation.
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This is called being aware,
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being aware of what is going on
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Do you have a meeting with a key customer?
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They represent 80% of your portfolio and you don't know how to present the product.
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Be aware that there are different aspects of you that have different perspectives.
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You can write them down,
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an aspect that tells you to present the product advantages
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to them and push on the sale with enthusiasm.
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Another aspect that tells you that it is better to be transparent about the product
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and talk to your clients about the technical points.
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you fear this meeting because you are not clear,
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not aligned with your way of doing things.
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Rather than going
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to the meeting with knots in your stomach and letting
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the more powerful aspect get the better of you,
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take the time to know what aspects of you are at stake and what their arguments are,
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after listening to everyone,
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I have thus helped many managers to get out of doubt and confusion
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to make the best decisions.
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Another example,
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an internal position,
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becomes available,
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and you hesitate to apply.
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Which aspect of view says yes,
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which aspect of view says no?
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Most of the time our mind oscillates from minute
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to minute with a flood of unordered arguments.
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It is often influenced by the advice of those around us.
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The famous table with two columns,
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or I don't apply,
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will help to see clearly on the internal conflict and have
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a deeper perspective on all the arguments rational and emotional.
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The mind's natural aversion to risk will prompt it to list many so-called
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rational arguments that are nothing but expressions of fears disguised as reason.
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After noting what each aspect expresses on the subject,
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go over the list with lucidity and distance like a self-confident master,
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and cross out all the false arguments,
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those which are only the masked expressions of fears like I might
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not pass the probation period or I don't have the legitimacy.
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Identify fears and deal with them with support if necessary.
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blind and prevent most of the time from making good decisions.
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It's a wounded aspect of us,
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that leads the way,
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pretending to be the most rational of all.
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If you choose to apply or not to apply,
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being led by an aspect filled with fear,
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or disappointment,
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it is a safe bet that your decision will not bring you wellbeing.
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When we are in the throes of in a conflict or just a negative emotion,
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it is essential to clarify
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what is plain in us,
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what aspects are involved,
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and are they being driven blinded by negative
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emotions or even blinded by positive emotions?
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we can be blinded by enthusiasm.
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We are their master.
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If our aspects are in conflict,
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let's not let them go to war with each other.
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See impassively who wins.
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to bring clarity.
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If you still cannot make a choice,
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torn by the argument of two aspects.
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It often happens that a third aspect comes into the dance,
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the judge aspect,
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and this one poisons the discernment.
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When the judge gets involved with his retinue of condemnation on the other person,
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or on the environment,
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everything is tangled.
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When you hear I should have,
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I have no choice.
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It is absolutely necessary that no doubt the judge has
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landed and will seek to gain the upper hand.
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He could say things like,
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you are not going to leave and.
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Let go of your team now in the middle of reorganization anyway.
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the judge has ruled.
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Or taking painting lessons when you don't already see your children much,
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the judge has ruled.
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If you identify yourself with the judge and give him the power,
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you're in trouble.
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This accuser is no more lucid than the others,
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even if his voice is sometimes louder.
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I invite you to stay away from this third voice of the judge.
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Remain the neutral and benevolent master who hears
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the arguments of the aspects without judging them.
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I have often heard how stupid I am to be afraid.
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condemnation by the judge of the fearful aspect which is far from being cured,
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Or I heard again,
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I shouldn't have got on my nerves like this.
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condemnation by the judge of the angry aspect dead end.
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Every aspect deserves to be heard beyond the emotion it conveys.
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aspects of us are just creations of ourselves.
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To condemn and reject them is to continue to fuel our internal conflicts.
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listen to them without condemning them and without letting them decide for you.
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This is the only master strategy they will eventually integrate.
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Because they will see that the master,
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you is in charge at home and knows how to listen to them.
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They will stop trying to take power without your knowledge.
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The detached master in you is the mediator of the internal conflict
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that brings the parties together.
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Nothing to do with the judge.
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The objective and benevolent master,
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after having listened without judging them to
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the arguments of the opposing aspects,
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is the only one able to take the decision.
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I recommend that you take the time not to
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seek the decision but to let the decision emerge.
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Seeking the decision,
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wanting to find it at all costs,
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is a very mental attitude that brings enormous pressure.
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The more the aspects understand
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that a decision must be taken quickly,
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the more they will increase their tension,
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multiply their arguments,
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Taking the time is daring to put aside the question for
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a moment the what to say to the client question or
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am I applying question.
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Dare to take time when there is an internal conflict.
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Dare to let silence set in
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so that the clear and right decision emerges.
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It can be a silence while relaxing in
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your office chair and focusing on your breathing.
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It can be a silence forgetting your main
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question and focusing on a whole different matter.
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last but not least,
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when the decision emerges and you feel that at that point you are serene,
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aligned in your mastery,
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The aspects may come back to you,
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but you will know that you already have made the decision as a master,
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and it will be important to remember it to stick to that decision.
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So we saw the mechanism of these inner tensions,
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then how to listen to our conflicting aspects and finally
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how to make the best decision as a master.
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The more we can manage these internal disputes with lucidity and benevolence,
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the less we will be in conflict with others.
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External conflicts are often the mirror of our internal conflicts.
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