Managing our internal conflicts Tutorial

Are internal conflicts hindering your decision-making? In 'Managing Our Internal Conflicts,' explore how these inner battles shape our choices and influence our lives. Learn to recognize and master the conflicting parts of yourself for clearer decisions. Dive into transformative insights on assertiveness and courage—don't let your emotions dictate your path!

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manage conflicts with others if we are inhabited by inner conflicts.

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We are often in the grip of these internal conflicts.

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We hesitate,

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we doubt ourselves.

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We regret our choices.

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We tell ourselves,

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I am divided.

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There are many parts or aspects of ourselves

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that oppose and pull us in opposite directions.

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Whether I'm helping Sam with his case or not,

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I decline this meeting or not.

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I apply for this position or not.

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In this video we will first understand the mechanism of these intentions,

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then see how to listen to our conflicting aspects,

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and finally how to make the best decision as a master.

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Let us first study the mechanism of these internal tensions.

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We have different parts,

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different aspects of us that are constantly expressing themselves.

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One side of us wants to help a colleague,

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Another wants to stick to their files.

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One aspect of us wants a career promotion.

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Another wants to come home earlier from work.

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If the conflict with the client.

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There may be

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an aspect that does not want to give in

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and an aspect that is afraid of losing the client.

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External conflict with others is often the

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pale mirror of our unresolved internal conflicts.

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Where do these aspects come from,

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these voices in us.

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These are facets of us which we have created

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through our experiences and encounters.

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One aspect of us that prioritizes respect above all

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will come from parental education,

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which has made respect the essential rule in relationships with others.

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Another aspect of us that is extremely generous and never says no

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might be borne through a greed for recognition.

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One aspect of oneself that is very worried about losing one's job

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will be due to a difficult experience of unemployment.

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An aspect of oneself that loves to dance

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has been nurtured through wonderful kindergarten dance experiences.

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We have multiple aspects of us

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that have their own unique life.

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Some are well integrated,

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others more angry.

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Some are little listened to.

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Others easily take control and often have the last word.

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Will the aspect who wants to finish the job for tonight

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outweigh the aspect who wants to go shopping

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or the aspect who wants to get home as soon as possible?

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These aspects of us were created by us,

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often unconsciously

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as we went through experiences.

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You were hurt by someone.

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What aspect did you create?

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The aspect I am wary and do not easily give my trust.

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The aspect no one will have the upper hand over me,

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the aspect I will forgive and forget,

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the aspect I have deserved that they treat me badly,

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the aspect I will take revenge.

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And above all,

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what aspects do you continue to nourish

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by letting them take power,

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by nourishing them with thoughts and words that strengthen them.

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If you have an aspect that thinks I absolutely have to

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roll over and submit at work to avoid losing my job,

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do you feed it by reading unemployment statistics,

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or do you feed the confidence in my job and in the future aspect

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by reading the stories of those who

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have succeeded in starting their own businesses?

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A multitude of aspects,

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voices have their certainties and advise you to act or not in such a direction.

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If you are not aware of these aspects,

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they will lead you as they please.

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If you have not integrated these aspects around a centered eye,

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which is like a master who can calmly

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listen to the divergent opinions of his servants,

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you will be torn.

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Aspects are not you,

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they are your creations in a way you could say they are your servants.

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The aspect that gets angry when injustice shows itself,

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the aspect that knows how to make Excel tables,

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the aspect that is so professional at public speaking,

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the aspect that wants to protect you from unemployment.

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The key is to remain the master of these aspects.

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They are not the ones who should rule you.

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Now that we have deciphered the mechanism of these internal tensions,

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let's see what attitude to adopt when an internal conflict arises.

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First,

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it is essential to recognize which are the parts,

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aspects of self that are present in the situation.

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This is called being aware,

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being aware of what is going on

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in me.

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Do you have a meeting with a key customer?

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They represent 80% of your portfolio and you don't know how to present the product.

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Be aware that there are different aspects of you that have different perspectives.

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You can write them down,

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an aspect that tells you to present the product advantages

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to them and push on the sale with enthusiasm.

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Another aspect that tells you that it is better to be transparent about the product

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and talk to your clients about the technical points.

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You doubt,

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you fear this meeting because you are not clear,

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not aligned with your way of doing things.

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Rather than going

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to the meeting with knots in your stomach and letting

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the more powerful aspect get the better of you,

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take the time to know what aspects of you are at stake and what their arguments are,

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and then,

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after listening to everyone,

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decide.

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In coaching,

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I have thus helped many managers to get out of doubt and confusion

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to make the best decisions.

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Another example,

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an internal position,

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becomes available,

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and you hesitate to apply.

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Which aspect of view says yes,

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which aspect of view says no?

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Most of the time our mind oscillates from minute

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to minute with a flood of unordered arguments.

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It is often influenced by the advice of those around us.

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The famous table with two columns,

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the I apply

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or I don't apply,

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will help to see clearly on the internal conflict and have

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a deeper perspective on all the arguments rational and emotional.

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The mind's natural aversion to risk will prompt it to list many so-called

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rational arguments that are nothing but expressions of fears disguised as reason.

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After noting what each aspect expresses on the subject,

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go over the list with lucidity and distance like a self-confident master,

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and cross out all the false arguments,

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those which are only the masked expressions of fears like I might

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not pass the probation period or I don't have the legitimacy.

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Identify fears and deal with them with support if necessary.

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Emotions,

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fear,

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anger,

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sadness,

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blind and prevent most of the time from making good decisions.

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It's a wounded aspect of us,

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scared,

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sad,

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or angry,

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that leads the way,

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pretending to be the most rational of all.

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If you choose to apply or not to apply,

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being led by an aspect filled with fear,

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anger,

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or disappointment,

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it is a safe bet that your decision will not bring you wellbeing.

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When we are in the throes of in a conflict or just a negative emotion,

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it is essential to clarify

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what is plain in us,

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what aspects are involved,

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and are they being driven blinded by negative

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emotions or even blinded by positive emotions?

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Yes,

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we can be blinded by enthusiasm.

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We are not

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our aspects.

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We are their master.

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If our aspects are in conflict,

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let's not let them go to war with each other.

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See impassively who wins.

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It is up to us,

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the master,

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to bring clarity.

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It is up to us

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to decide.

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If you still cannot make a choice,

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torn by the argument of two aspects.

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It often happens that a third aspect comes into the dance,

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the judge aspect,

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and this one poisons the discernment.

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When the judge gets involved with his retinue of condemnation on the other person,

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on oneself,

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or on the environment,

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everything is tangled.

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When you hear I should have,

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I have no choice.

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I will have to.

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It is absolutely necessary that no doubt the judge has

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landed and will seek to gain the upper hand.

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He could say things like,

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you are not going to leave and.

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Let go of your team now in the middle of reorganization anyway.

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Bang,

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the judge has ruled.

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Or taking painting lessons when you don't already see your children much,

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you're sick.

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Bang,

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the judge has ruled.

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If you identify yourself with the judge and give him the power,

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you're in trouble.

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This accuser is no more lucid than the others,

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even if his voice is sometimes louder.

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I invite you to stay away from this third voice of the judge.

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Remain the neutral and benevolent master who hears

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the arguments of the aspects without judging them.

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I have often heard how stupid I am to be afraid.

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Bang,

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condemnation by the judge of the fearful aspect which is far from being cured,

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dead end.

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Or I heard again,

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ah,

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I shouldn't have got on my nerves like this.

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Bang,

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condemnation by the judge of the angry aspect dead end.

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Every aspect deserves to be heard beyond the emotion it conveys.

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I remind you

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aspects of us are just creations of ourselves.

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To condemn and reject them is to continue to fuel our internal conflicts.

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The solution

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listen to them without condemning them and without letting them decide for you.

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This is the only master strategy they will eventually integrate.

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Because they will see that the master,

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you is in charge at home and knows how to listen to them.

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They will stop trying to take power without your knowledge.

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The detached master in you is the mediator of the internal conflict

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that brings the parties together.

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Nothing to do with the judge.

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The objective and benevolent master,

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after having listened without judging them to

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the arguments of the opposing aspects,

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is the only one able to take the decision.

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I recommend that you take the time not to

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seek the decision but to let the decision emerge.

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Seeking the decision,

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wanting to find it at all costs,

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is a very mental attitude that brings enormous pressure.

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The more the aspects understand

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that a decision must be taken quickly,

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the more they will increase their tension,

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multiply their arguments,

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in short,

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confuse you.

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Taking the time is daring to put aside the question for

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a moment the what to say to the client question or

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the

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am I applying question.

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Dare to take time when there is an internal conflict.

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Dare to let silence set in

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so that the clear and right decision emerges.

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It can be a silence while relaxing in

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your office chair and focusing on your breathing.

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It can be a silence forgetting your main

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question and focusing on a whole different matter.

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And then

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last but not least,

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when the decision emerges and you feel that at that point you are serene,

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aligned in your mastery,

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then act.

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The aspects may come back to you,

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but you will know that you already have made the decision as a master,

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and it will be important to remember it to stick to that decision.

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So we saw the mechanism of these inner tensions,

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then how to listen to our conflicting aspects and finally

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how to make the best decision as a master.

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The more we can manage these internal disputes with lucidity and benevolence,

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the less we will be in conflict with others.

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External conflicts are often the mirror of our internal conflicts.

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