The internal mechanics of conflict Tutorial

Dive into "The Internal Mechanics of Conflict" and discover how misunderstandings and unmet expectations ignite tensions. Jean Porto reveals the three crucial elements that fuel conflicts and offers transformative insights on managing triggers and reactions. Learn to navigate your personal conflict landscape and enhance your communication skills. Don't miss this enlightening exploration!

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a Canadian teacher specializing in conflict,

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believes that it takes 3 elements to create a conflict

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a divergence of interests,

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values,

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opinions,

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whether real or perceived,

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between two or more interdependent parties

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which generates negative emotions.

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If these three elements come together for at least one of the two parties,

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then they enter into conflict.

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Now,

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let's explore the internal mechanics of the conflict,

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which takes place in 3 stages.

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A presupposition

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A trigger

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And a reaction

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The presupposition,

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often unconscious is an imaginary right that we have given ourselves.

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I am entitled to.

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These are the unconscious demands of a childish omnipotence.

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My parents owe me love.

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My colleague must understand me.

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My social benefits must remain eternally.

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The machines must work.

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My boss has to help me.

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I have no right to make mistakes.

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I must be perfect.

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We have an endless list of assumptions that we never question

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since the child in us has programmed it to be self-evident,

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normal,

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and just as the baby considers it normal to be

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screaming for its bottle without having to think about it.

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The child still in us also considers it normal

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to throw a tantrum to get what is theirs.

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I have the right to,

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you must not.

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From these presuppositions that we have mentioned,

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a list of needs,

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values,

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requirements is built.

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In quite precise terms,

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this is how it should be.

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My colleague and management should do this or that.

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I have to do this or that,

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and so this is what I would get.

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No one has the right to.

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If we are in an environment that shares our presuppositions,

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that considers it legitimate to meet our needs and satisfy our values,

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then we are happy and satisfied.

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If not,

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then this is where the issue lies.

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We move on to the second sequence of the conflict program,

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the trigger.

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The trigger is the event or words that are intense

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or simply repeated over and over and which do not respect our assumptions.

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I was not given my due or it was taken away from me.

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Alarm.

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My colleague,

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my boss,

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the management,

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the client did

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said this or didn't do say that.

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Alarm.

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Alice always interrupts me in a meeting.

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Alarm.

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Kevin makes decisions without asking my opinion.

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Alarm.

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It is unbearable for me because I don't think that this is the way it should be.

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From this insure three scenarios.

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Scenario one,

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we can give up our desires,

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our needs.

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If the need is not that important,

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it may pass.

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Otherwise,

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the renunciation may happen at the cost of an internal conflict,

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a conflict within yourself that will need to be resolved.

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Scenario two,

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we managed to influence our environment through negotiation

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or a power struggle to get our so-called due

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intervention of the boss,

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threats.

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Scenario 3,

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we get into a conflict.

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Being aware of our triggers and their underlying presuppositions is a big step

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in managing conflict.

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I invite you to take a pen and list everything that is unbearable to you,

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starting with the sentence.

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Others do not have the right to

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To what?

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To criticize,

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bother,

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or prove me wrong,

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to not give me what I want,

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to do things differently,

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to take away what I think is mine?

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What are your main triggers?

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Do your co-workers remain calm when faced with the same trigger,

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which doesn't mean they're right to let it happen.

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If someone steps on your foot and doesn't apologize,

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is this event going to trigger you?

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Is the assumption you have to apologize for stepping on my foot

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powerful enough to cause you to curse the

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person who did the act without apologizing?

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Last step in the conflict mechanism.

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There is a presupposition and a trigger.

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What else?

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What are your reactions?

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Emotions,

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words,

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actions,

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eye rolling,

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silence.

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Sometimes silence fuels the conflict.

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Will these reactions amplify the conflict or reduce it?

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Will these reactions affect the other person's values,

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trigger their alarms,

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and lead them to a negative reaction too?

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Often a single click on the trigger

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can cause an automatic takeoff of the reaction rocket.

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Off we go,

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no matter how out of control we are,

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our mind still holds on and maintains that we are right,

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that the other person is wrong,

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and that it should not be this way.

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Our mind seeks to strengthen

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our presupposition,

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and then

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we go into an endless orbit.

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If we don't live in the same premises and don't have to meet again,

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the mechanics will soon run out of steam

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unless we feed it with reoccurrent thoughts.

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But

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if we are interdependent,

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if we work on a common team,

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the alarm button will be triggered regularly and we'll go back

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to orbiting.

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The good news

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is that we can get out of the presupposition trigger reaction cycle

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on two levels of the mechanism

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phase 1,

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presupposition,

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and phase 3,

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reaction.

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We are 100% responsible for our presuppositions.

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We can change our thoughts,

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and we are 100% responsible for the final reaction of the mechanism.

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We can change our reactions.

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