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a Canadian teacher specializing in conflict,
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believes that it takes 3 elements to create a conflict
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a divergence of interests,
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whether real or perceived,
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between two or more interdependent parties
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which generates negative emotions.
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If these three elements come together for at least one of the two parties,
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then they enter into conflict.
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let's explore the internal mechanics of the conflict,
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which takes place in 3 stages.
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A presupposition
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The presupposition,
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often unconscious is an imaginary right that we have given ourselves.
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I am entitled to.
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These are the unconscious demands of a childish omnipotence.
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My parents owe me love.
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My colleague must understand me.
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My social benefits must remain eternally.
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The machines must work.
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My boss has to help me.
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I have no right to make mistakes.
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I must be perfect.
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We have an endless list of assumptions that we never question
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since the child in us has programmed it to be self-evident,
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and just as the baby considers it normal to be
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screaming for its bottle without having to think about it.
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The child still in us also considers it normal
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to throw a tantrum to get what is theirs.
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I have the right to,
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From these presuppositions that we have mentioned,
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a list of needs,
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requirements is built.
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In quite precise terms,
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this is how it should be.
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My colleague and management should do this or that.
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I have to do this or that,
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and so this is what I would get.
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No one has the right to.
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If we are in an environment that shares our presuppositions,
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that considers it legitimate to meet our needs and satisfy our values,
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then we are happy and satisfied.
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then this is where the issue lies.
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We move on to the second sequence of the conflict program,
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The trigger is the event or words that are intense
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or simply repeated over and over and which do not respect our assumptions.
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I was not given my due or it was taken away from me.
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said this or didn't do say that.
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Alice always interrupts me in a meeting.
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Kevin makes decisions without asking my opinion.
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It is unbearable for me because I don't think that this is the way it should be.
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From this insure three scenarios.
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we can give up our desires,
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If the need is not that important,
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the renunciation may happen at the cost of an internal conflict,
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a conflict within yourself that will need to be resolved.
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we managed to influence our environment through negotiation
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or a power struggle to get our so-called due
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intervention of the boss,
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we get into a conflict.
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Being aware of our triggers and their underlying presuppositions is a big step
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in managing conflict.
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I invite you to take a pen and list everything that is unbearable to you,
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starting with the sentence.
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Others do not have the right to
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or prove me wrong,
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to not give me what I want,
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to do things differently,
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to take away what I think is mine?
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What are your main triggers?
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Do your co-workers remain calm when faced with the same trigger,
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which doesn't mean they're right to let it happen.
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If someone steps on your foot and doesn't apologize,
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is this event going to trigger you?
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Is the assumption you have to apologize for stepping on my foot
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powerful enough to cause you to curse the
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person who did the act without apologizing?
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Last step in the conflict mechanism.
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There is a presupposition and a trigger.
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What are your reactions?
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Sometimes silence fuels the conflict.
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Will these reactions amplify the conflict or reduce it?
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Will these reactions affect the other person's values,
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trigger their alarms,
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and lead them to a negative reaction too?
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Often a single click on the trigger
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can cause an automatic takeoff of the reaction rocket.
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no matter how out of control we are,
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our mind still holds on and maintains that we are right,
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that the other person is wrong,
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and that it should not be this way.
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Our mind seeks to strengthen
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our presupposition,
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we go into an endless orbit.
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If we don't live in the same premises and don't have to meet again,
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the mechanics will soon run out of steam
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unless we feed it with reoccurrent thoughts.
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if we are interdependent,
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if we work on a common team,
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the alarm button will be triggered regularly and we'll go back
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is that we can get out of the presupposition trigger reaction cycle
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on two levels of the mechanism
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We are 100% responsible for our presuppositions.
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We can change our thoughts,
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and we are 100% responsible for the final reaction of the mechanism.
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We can change our reactions.
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